Random Rambles

I'm SO ready for something different.

I need to be closer to my partners. I need to get out of this stagnant place.

I know I need to save money, and with next week's paycheck, it begins. Save money to move. I guess I should put together a TRUE plan. Maybe I could save to move, and then when I decide on where to go and a school, then I can BOUNCE. All I know is that I'm sick of this place that's supposed to be home. I'm sick of being in a place I don't want to be. It fosters nothing but complacency and stifles growth.

Normally I don't rant in THIS blog, but this stuff DOES affect my personal growth, which is what this blog is for, so...

Goin' through the motions, trying to re-learn this dance...

I have found a strange yet renewed resolve during this little trial of mine. I've been awash in a whirlpool of depression and loneliness from missing my couple. I'd been on such an emotional high since Valentine's Day, sending them small tokens of my affections via pictures and videos, and I guess I had to pay all that back to the emotional bank. That's the thing with LDRs....dealing with the distance between you and the one or ones you love. And for someone who is quite tactile with their affections, and for whom earthly pleasures go hand in hand with love, our Skype convos started taking a slight toll on me. I missed them. I MISS them. At times, the longing became so heavy that I'd cry. All made even worse because I decided to try to get my cycle regular by taking a low dose birth-control pill by the name of Loestrin24, as prescribed by my gyno. Oh. my. god. The side effects were WAY TOO MUCH to bear.

Now, into the week of Valentine's Day, after that day or a couple days into that week, I started going through some emotional burnout, which ended up becoming WORSE in the next week I started taking Loestrin. Christ on a stick, the MOOD SWINGS. I mean, I was going through some slight burn out that suddenly turned into a mental funk/depression. I was tired, even when I'd gotten enough rest; my days would either start off bad and maybe end up good, or start off good, but end up with me fighting back tears at my desk so that my co-workers wouldn't notice. Needless to say I threw that damn pack of pills out. But through this, I went through a bit of depression, longing, loneliness, and doubts.

During a convo I was having with the Mr, though I'm guessing it was meant in jest, he said a particular comment that hit me so hard, and made me question whether I was able to express love, or even EMOTE love and affection for ANYONE AT ALL. And it was just CRAZY to me, because, for a while, I felt that I was improving on showing affections and showing my love. But obviously I need work, because when he expressed love, I didn't know how to respond back; I just...FROZE up. So, to feel that I wasn't improving at all just knocked me off my pedestal. And then, just like whenever I go through any emotional tempest, all the self-loathing and self-hating things I could think and feel about myself were swimming around within me. My fire was completely doused(in reaction to the Mars Retrograde and YES, I'm an astro-nerd!), I didn't want to deal with anything and anyone; I didn't want to go to work and deal with co-workers. I just wanted my life to just stop so I could stop man this latest emotional storm and get a handle over things. I think I've had a breakthrough, thank god, and it happened the moment I threw that damn hormone pack in the trash!

Ahhh. Now that I'm thinking a little more clearly, I can go on with this entry. The real purpose is that I know I'm going through the motions of being in an LDR. Part of me looks at them, and I do know that what they have took a lot of work and a lot of time, and I know that they care....what is it with me, that I still feel...unsated, I guess? I think its because I see that they're the love of each other's lives; that applies to the both of them. That's the bond that THEY have with each other. It's the bond that I'D like to have, but is it possible with them? Is it right, or SANE, to even ASK for that? I've had countless fantasies and dreams of living in closer distance and being with them for a long time, maybe even helping them start a family when they're ready. Is it smart to dream about and want these things with them?

While it's smart to think about these things, I ALSO have to remember that the time apart needs to be spent on working on myself and improving my station in life. This is what I worried about the most while I was single. When I was involved with anyone, I was totally committed, to the point of focusing more on the partner than myself. I would just give and give and give until I burned myself out, and I didn't want to make that same mistake this time. But I don't want to be on the other extreme either, that I'd go to the uber-independent mode and be more detached than necessary. Its a constant test of balance between my two natures.

Ugh, it's after 12:30. Will finish this later. Need sleep.

Let it Go, Part 2: Where's the worth?

I've had esteem and self worth issues my whole life.

I really don't know how to find love within myself. Is it just to accept what I am?

It's hard. I find it way too easy to find things that I don't like about myself than things I DO like.

To me, things that one would like about themselves are things that one should do in life anyway: be loving, respectful, a good friend/family member/employee, etc, etc. It's too easy for me to see the bad in the so-called good qualities I have. It doesn't help that until recently, I've been around people who've only reminded of the bad things instead of the good things about me.

Being feisty, spirited, that sort of thing....not alot of people can deal with it, and such I feel like I have to douse or mute myself in order to make them feel comfortable, while they can be themselves and everyone likes them. So....what's so bad about me that I can't be myself?

That's what it comes down to. It's a great thing when I'm around people with whom I can be myself. I mean, MYSELF: strengths, weaknesses, everything. But when you show other sides, and people don't like them, their words can hurt so much, and though I work hard to become more thick-skinned, I'm not really. My feelings and ego can get hurt quite easily, my emotions can get riled up pretty fast. That's one thing I REALLY DISLIKE about myself. I HATE that it's so easy for others to hurt me.

*sigh* *trying NOT to babble*

Back to self-worth.

I know I'm very critical of myself, from what I wear to what I eat, where my life is going, to how I relate or don't relate to other people....to the mistakes I've made and not forgiving myself for them. I guess that while it's good to work on myself, I do have to realize that there are some things that will either take longer to change, or they just won't change. And to realize that's OKAY. Maybe I should just work to love myself as I AM first before I make any changes. Also, I have to remember that those who only focused on what THEY felt was wrong with me aren't in my life right now, so I need to start reconciling with myself. I feel like there's so much that has to be unlocked inside of me, but I HAVE to LOVE MYSELF fully FIRST to unlock them.

My good friend told me that she wanted me to find things about myself that I liked. I really should do that. Each day I'm going to find something within me that I like and explain why.

What are you waiting for?! JUST LET IT GO!! Part One

Remember when Samwise said that to Frodo in Return of the King?

When he was yelling to Frodo to cast that cursed ring into the fire?

"What are you waiting for? Just LET IT GO!!"

After all the pain, suffering, and heartbreak that bearing the ring put onto him, Frodo just couldn't let it go. That's how it feels when you're trying to break free from your hurtful past completely, but somehow, seeing one thing or seeing that there are still connections that tug at old wounds and feelings, that it brings you back to square one.

So...what am I doing wrong? Why do I keep hitting the same wall?

It's definitely the connection that I seem to still have to the past; even though I don't see the person, she's on my Facebook. And some recent news has caused me to not be around her anymore. I'm facing and trying to heal up wounds that I held at bay for, like, 4-5 years? Just knowing who she's with hurts. Everything feels so raw, even after all this time. Right now, I'm going through this period that things that aren't working are really making their presence known, and I have to DO something about it. But I don't want this to be some quick fix. How I deal with this will basically determine whether or not I can continue to carve out my own path, no longer weighted down by the past.

In other words, it's TIME TO LET GO. And it seems like it's not just the weight of leftover feelings, but my inability to forgive myself for my mistakes, my inability to forgive myself for not being brave enough to just let that man go when I should have. My gut knew that it was over whether I understood the reason(s) why or not, but, feeling that I would never love another so deeply, and that I was the happiest I ever was at that time, I didn't want that to end. I didn't want it to be over. And, because of that, I suffered. I made others suffer. And I've hated myself for it all.

When I think I'm past it, I'm not. When I feel like I'm better than I was, I find that I'm just as scared and weak now as I was before. When I hear talks of exes and breakups, the entire experience of loving and heartbreak just rush back to me, and it overwhelms me. Every time I let myself experience it and process it, and I feel that I'm over it, it just comes back. And I'm tired of it. So tired of it all. I'm such an emotional creature. I can't lock it away, because it will just fester. I can't act like it doesn't affect me, because deep inside, I'm mush; I don't have a thick skin. I try to, because I have to live, endure, and press on, but...

I want to forgive myself, and I want to believe that I deserve to be happy. I have two people in my life, and they mean so much to me, but until I forgive myself and just BREAK AWAY, I can't make them happy fully. I can't be fully happy myself. These are the times I wish I lived closer to them. I've burdened them with this enough as it is, and I wish I could ask them for help. But I think I'd make them feel that they're not enough or that I'm not happy with them, when I am. The past is just that when I'm with them.

It's almost 12:30, and I'm tired as hell. To be continued, either during lunch or when I get off work later.

Where does it all come from?

So.

Reading back over the last entry, I can see the anger that I've feel and have felt my whole life in regards to my feelings of not just being a woman, but just being a person. I'll take this time to go deeper, without getting too riled up...hopefully.

Why so angry, black woman?

I easily become infuriated when I think of all the attributes society has created to dictate how a woman should behave; yknow…having grace or being graceful, always be nice, speak when spoken to, act prim and proper, and don’t curse, etc, etc. Basically to me, this all felt too much like a game that wasn’t any fun to play because I can’t pretend to be something that I’m not for the sake of other people. It was apparent to me that these so-called rules were nothing but weapons used to keep women under the heel of macho men. It further incensed me that women bought INTO that line of thought, and programmed it into their daughters from the cradle. So when I've come across this line of thinking, and was told to "be more ladylike/act like a young lady/be a lady", my reply usually fell along the lines of “eat a dick” or “die in a fire.”

I began to think more and more about my childhood experiences, not just the teasing from classmates and so-called friends who saw fit to judge me, put me down, call me names, and talked about me behind my back. I looked to the females in my life who were the ‘role models’, the ones who, through my experiences with them, shaped my way of thinking. I thought long and hard about it, especially after looking through some astrological aspects from a natal chart I did on myself a WHILE back ago.

(Side note: Yes, I am an astrology-geek; not a full-on student, but I’ve done some research and experimenting, enough to recognize the truth revealed to me about myself in my findings).

I read a description of a certain planetary aspect I have known as “Moon conjunct Pluto”. Here’s an excerpt from it that set this in motion:

“It is very possible that you were especially sensitive to your maternal figure's emotions, and picked up on her feelings of being overpowered, overwhelmed, resentful, or mistrustful. A strong love-hate attachment to her, or crises surrounding your experience of her, may be something that you live with and it could be undermining you in some manner.”

“The connection you feel with your mother may be especially strong, and it is quite possible that you felt inundated by her emotional needs in a very powerful way when you were younger.”

Hoo-fucking-RAA.

Now, I'm not the type who will blame others for things and not work on fixing themselves. I'm ALSO aware that I tend to not take the time to address any issues from the past, wanting to just move on and let the past stay in the past. That's a good way to be only once you've PROCESSED all the hurt, made sense of how past events have affected you, and learned lessons from the experience. All things that I tend to NOT do. And if it’s true that the things a girl learns about being a woman come from her mother or whatever maternal figure(s) are in that girl's life...well, here are some things I saw in my mom growing up.

She was strong and had a good work ethic, working one, sometimes two jobs to support me and put me catholic school, and subsequently, my brother, through his schooling until she moved to North Carolina when I was 16. She can be funny and loving at times; whenever I'd do something great for school, or performed with my fellow classmates in our Winter and Spring concerts by song and/or playing instruments, she was always proud of that. She was a fox; as a little girl, I loved to watch her dress up when she'd have a date or go to the club on Friday nights/weekends.

Good things, no? But here are the drawbacks to that stuff:

Yes, she was strong, but she was also oppressive, especially with her punishments. She would hit me where it would hurt the most, and with KNOWING what would hurt me, she would do it all the time. If I were on punishment, not being able to watch television was bad, but she knew I loved to draw, so she'd either lock up or throw away my art supplies. She was pretty uncompromising; it was no big thing for her to give out ultimatums, asserting her authority over me with an 'iron' fist. I noticed that more growing up from an older teen to adulthood. That and no matter what, she always has to have the last word, and apologizing is pretty hard for her. While she was proud of my accomplishments in school with music and art, she was quite demanding and made it known where she wanted me to go in terms of my life choices. I lost interest in music and wanted to continue drawing; she was vehemently against it, always reminding me of starving artists, keeping in my mind that the road to being an artist would be too hard. And to this day, my mother continues with be dependent on those closest to her when she needs help financially.

The other 'maternal' figure I had was my grandmother, who looked after me after my mother moved to North Carolina. More old school than my mom, she too, was overbearing at times in asserting her authority, especially the older I got. She criticized and questioned me about everything that I was interested in: going to the arcade, having mostly guy friends, me not giving a damn about going to church...it seemed as though she had a problem with everything about me. So preoccupied with how the world would perceive me and worried, her worries often came very harsh; she would just say things, no matter how hurtful it would sound, sometimes apologizing later, but most times, not.

Add all of these things together, and you get a person feeling at odds between what people feel she should be and what she feels in her heart she should be. Always the outcast, never accepted fully by anyone, not even her own family, where it MATTERED the most. All my life, I've felt like I've had to defend myself for not wanting to be what others think I should be, for wanting to follow my own drumbeat.

Hmm. Funny. I really don't have a conclusion for this entry.

I just feel drained.

What being a woman is to Me

"I want you to do the same thing I did here. Explore yourself. What does being a woman mean to you?"

This was an 'assignment' given to me by a very close friend of mine. She recently blogged her definition of womanhood, and has come into her own at the age of 26, secure that she is, indeed a woman. Reading it just made me wonder about my OWN definition of womanhood. I've never thought about what it is to be a woman as much as what it means to be a PERSON.

What do I mean by this? To be a PERSON is to just be seen as WHO you are, and not WHAT you are. To not be discriminated against because of your race, status, and more times than NOT, your SEX. To me, society's general definition of being a woman is to be subservient, dependent, weak, frail...basically lacking strength and a backbone.

This point of view was a contrast to what I saw being raised by my mom. Until my mother moved away when I was 16, I saw her strength in raising me by herself, struggle with keeping me in catholic school by working long hours or even working two jobs to make sure my tuition was paid. From her, I got the sense of having to be able to be strong, to endure every and anything that life throws at you, and, being working class, most times life threw hard times.

The only disadvantage in seeing such strength all the time was that I became emotionally detached from family; there was no balance of strength with compassion, caring, and compromise. There was really an air of ruling with fear and an iron fist. I didn't feel that I could express myself emotionally to anyone, and so, walls were created to keep feelings and emotions inside, only spilling out when I felt slighted or hurt. I hated myself for that, and for how easily it was to rile my emotions, being that everything was always at the surface. All these damn emotions, and on top of that, according to the general opinion, I'm SUPPOSED TO function this way, because I'm a WOMAN? FUCK. THAT.

On top of all of this, as a kid, I was teased and gossiped about, and the main perpetrators were female. I hated them and hated what they embodied, and only found peace of mind when I gave in to my tomboyish ways and did more things 'associated' with male behavior. But I also resented male's views on what makes a woman attractive their eyes, most of the views being superficial, only caring about how a woman looks and having her second to him.

So having all these things in my face, telling me what being a woman should encompass, why should I be any or all of these things? To me, being a woman isn't only about how I look, its how I live my life. I decide what makes me a woman and what doesn't..besides from the obvious anatomical reasons. I've never had any compassionate, feeling feminine influences in my life, so I never gained knowledge about grace, poise, or any of that stuff. The thing is though, men and women are capable of having grace and whatnot, so why should it just be restricted being defined as just a feminine quality?

I acknowledge that I exhibit more qualities that are classified as being 'masculine; I've always been that way(hello, tomboy?). And I'm fine with that, and only run into conflicts when others judge or wag their fingers in my face, wanting me to act more like a 'lady'. The bottom line is, I'm gonna be what I FEEL I should be. Lately, I've been trying to balance out the 'masculine' with the 'feminine'. I seesaw from time to time, and you know what? That's okay too. Civilization wasn't created in one day or seven days, it was a process, ever evolving. And so am I. I'm constantly learning new things, experimenting, and seeing what feels true to me, and what doesn't.

Being a woman isn't about knowing how to cook or raise children. It's not about expecting people to always provide for you and take care of you. Being a woman isn't even about your wardrobe, or how much makeup you put on your face. It's about loving and accepting yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally, accepting all your weaknesses as well as your strengths, working on said weaknesses to better yourself.

It's about having courage and strength, especially at those times you feel you have none. It's about being able to love and allowing yourself to feel loved by others. It's about being self-sufficient, but also recognizing that there will be times that you will have to depend on others and ask for help.

It's about showing all sides of yourself; it's great to be able to show how strong you are, and that you're able to endure things, but to be at peace with the softer side of yourself too, even to develop it more. Which is why my wardrobe's changed a bit, to get clothing that compliment my body, experiment with beauty products like makeup and such...to indulge in some feminine characteristics I never felt I could. Maybe I'll learn to be graceful on top of that.

HA.

If I don't, so what? It's not what defines me; I accept that it's a nice quality to have, and maybe it might help my self-confidence. But if I don't get it, my world won't crumble. I'd rather come more into my own, and feel more secure in my skin BEFORE setting out to get something that may or may not fit into who I am.

And that's my definition of womanhood.

I need an "Unmute" button.

I feel...surprisingly a bit angry.

At myself, but also, to others.

I tend to take things personally. Pretty fast. So, I felt that it was doe to me not allowing others to be themselves, so for a while, if something about someone who was a friend bothered me too much, I wouldn't bring it up because I'd tell myself, "Well, that's how they are, so just let them be how they are, and life would be better for me." Right??

Wrong. Fucking wrong.

In DOING this, I gave people too much power over me. Because while they would be free to be themselves around me, good or bad, whenever I wanted the same in return, this would not happen. But instead of bringing this to their attention, I just figured that since they knew me, they'd know what's best for me, and whatever was told to me was told for my further well being. So when I couldn't be what they thought I should or could be, I was harder on myself because of it. And in turn, continued to give those outside forces more power over me than they should've had in the first place. The more I think about it, the more I want to kick myself, but at the same time, they went along with it. They hardly talked to me, and only spent time with me when it was on their terms and they knew I'd do it because I cared. At first I thought of it as, "Well, its in their nature to not always keep in contact, and I'm the same, so blahblahblah insert random excuse because I just want to see the good in everyone and give everyone the benefit of the doubt excuse here".

But you know what? When it comes to those people, FUCK THAT SHIT.

The bottom line is...if you wanted me around more, then I'dve been around.
If you cared enough, you'd meet ME half way just as I met YOU.
If you actually cared as a friend, you'd stay in better contact.

When it all comes down to it, I just gave certain people the power to take me for granted and treat me less than I deserved to be treated. But that's something that I did to myself..I GAVE that power to them. Well, no more. I've had enough. No more, "well maybe its this or maybe its that" bullshit with those people. No, no, no more of that shit. That part of my life is over and done with, and I'm not giving these so-called friends the power to treat me like shit any longer. I've said my goodbyes, now fuck you, and get out of my life. You really expect me to put myself in a position to suffer?

I'm tired. Tired of giving my energy to those who pretend to give a fuck about me. Tired of giving power to people who just use it to hurt me in the end.

I've put myself on mute for far too long. Maybe it's time to turn the volume up again, fuck trying to keep everything nice and calm, fuck all that. When it's time to make noise, maybe I'll do just that...making some goddamn noise.

*note to self: Hmm, the more I write, the more fired-up I get. I wonder if there should be a part two to this....I'll consider it.