I'm one of those geeks who gets a daily tarot card in my email (thanks, astrology.com). This was the one I received yesterday, and it has alot of meaning:
"The time may soon be at hand where you have to change your mind or focus, or let go of the clutter or craving. Try to loosen up, give until it hurts or throw it away altogether. But remember that your motivations need to come from a place of humility and understanding. If you are giving just to satisfy ego concerns, the situation may become even trickier. If the situation is destructive or the collection no longer offers pleasure, you need to step up and be the bigger person. Think abut what benefits everyone in this situation."
It speaks to me so deeply, because many things have happened in this weaksauce of a month. I'm stubborn to the point that I hate to give up on things, especially when I feel that I deserve them. But I will have to change my mind and focus on truly re-building MY life, using everything I've discovered about myself thus far. I truly want this month to be over so that I can move forward with my goals. But before I can move on, I must reflect on what's happened.
So, basically I feel that in order to grow, I have to let go of things that aren't working; basically I can't continue to be in situations where I have to be something I'm not, where I'm surrounded by people who just want to sedate me and keep me in check. I can't be true to myself in situations like those; I have to think so MUCH about how I'm acting/how I should act/etc to put OTHER people at ease around me, and I don't see it being done for me; like there's no equality. It makes me unsure of myself, and causes more friction between said parties. I can't be around people who feel like they can't be around me, and when I feel that a connection has been essentially severed. I don't go through this when I'm in other groups of people. I feel so free and happy when I can just be true to myself....when I can just BE. No thinking, no hesitations, no expectations....NONE of that. THAT. IS. WHAT. I. NEED!!! Maybe I'm not secure enough in my skin around more aloof types, so I'll work on that within myself. I'm just sick of feeling that I allow others to be what they are, yet I'm not allowed to be who I am. I have to realize that's their problem and all I can do is keep going forward.
Okay....that was one part. Now for the other part. I've already stated that I'm kinda relationship-phobic and I've stated why. Honestly, I really dont know why I'd want to be with someone. To ease loneliness? Companionship? Because I need someone with me all the time? I think those are not the best reasons. Many people go searching for love and it seems like even after countless relationships, they still haven't found it. Maybe it's because what they're looking for is already inside of them, and they don't realize this; I used to think that I had everyting else going for me, but needed someone else to complete. Of course, this was a terrible way of thinking, and it only leads to heartbreak. It's like going into something with a list of demands and not being happy with yourself. You really can't expect someone to love you or respect you if you don't love and respect yourself, and I see that so clearly now. I feel like I've been drowning this whole time, and now that I've come up for air, there's no going back. I won't allow myself to settle for less than what I want; to me that REALLY means to know when to LET GO or not even PUT myself in the position to even CONSIDER getting less than what I want. I know I'm worth having someone who will accept me as I am; hopefully someday that person will be lead to me. If it's not meant to be then it's not; you can't make anyone change their mind and their feelings.
So, in short, this month has been the hot weaksauce! But at least I know what must be done to go to the next step in my life. Thank god this suck ass month will be over in about 8 days. I'm ready to go forward.
