Broken. Must pick up the Pieces.

I really have to work on my processing of guilt. It really takes me to some very dark places. It's mainly due to my inability to function in my relationship. And here I am, very much alone fighting these demons on the eve of Valentine's Day while everyone else is celebrating their love. All I know how to do is cause fights and frustration. No wonder they haven't talked to me all weekend. Who wants to deal with someone like me?

*sigh*

Always saying "no", questioning, unsure....who really wants to be with someone like that? Someone who brings nothing to the table, a ho...and we all know you can't turn people like me into housewives. I'm just too broken beyond repair. That's how everyone feels, and maybe it's true.

*sigh* This is supposed to be me identifying what's wrong, and it's turned into me beating myself up. I can't even stay on track here. Why can't I stay on track? How am I feeling?

Broken. Guilty. Stupid. Hollow. Crybaby. Inhibited. A burden to one and everyone. Where is the love for myself? Where is the forgiveness? Why can't I snap out of this behavior? Why am I failing at every turn?

If I can't become somewhat whole, then my life isn't worth living. If I can't get a handle on this shit and not fight people that love me, then life isn't worth it. I am and have been broken for too long, and I need to bring everything together. Mentally, emotionally, sexually. EVERYTHING. Now...from the chaos from dealing with fulfilling this threesome, these are the things I've had to come to terms with, and the negative things I'm letting go.

Being a freak is not the same as being a ho.

A freak is liberated. A freak knows what she wants and how she wants it sexually. A freak isn't held down by imprints courtesy of the patriarchy. A freak is sexy. Sensual. Confident. Loves herself. Stands by her values and morals. Is open and readily accepting of change.

A ho is morally ambiguous. Does sexual things for validation via comfort and acceptance, which is most times than not, false and fake, only "given" in order for the man to fuck her and treat her however he sees her. Stagnant. Does not want to change and can't change.

I'm broken. I don't want to be a ho anymore. I want to be a freak. More so....I want to be whole. Fulfilled. Sensual. Loving. Confident. Self-loving(non-narcissistic). Self-forgiving(non-delusional).

Truth

*Note: this post was created last week. After talking with the Mr. and Mrs., I'm posting it up.

This probably has been 29 years in the making, so I'm going to try to make this count. Since I'm not very good at expressing what I want to say through words until taking the time to write my thoughts down, I'm going in and laying everything out right now in terms of what holds me back.

Each day, I try to believe that I'm a good person, worthy and deserving of love. Each day, I try to forgive myself for all the mistakes I've made in my life. Let's get this straight: I just want to be forgiven. That doesn't mean that I will make the same mistakes again, that doesn't mean I pretend that I never did anything wrong and affected others by my actions...no. Not at all. I acknowledge that the decisions I've made were bad ones, ones that I carry a lot of guilt for. The guilt is holding me back from letting go.

It is hard for me to let things go because of the guilt I feel that I allowed the action in question to happen. Everything I've done and allowed to happen to me in the past is the result of not loving myself enough and believing that I have value. I allowed myself to be around people who had no respect for others, much less to me. But I blinded myself, in an attempt to see the best of situations and hope that things would work out for the best. This is why I've allowed people to take advantage of my kindness and generosity, and to treat me like shit. Though things were done that made me upset, angry, and uncomfortable, because I didn't feel that I deserved more than what I had, I let things slide and allowed people to get away with treating me badly. I basically became accustomed to eating shit from everyone: family, so-called friends, and ex lovers, thinking that I was doing the right thing by allowing others to be themselves.

Now...in regards to loving yourself....is this something that is supposed to be instilled in you from childhood? Is there supposed to be constant reminders that you are a person of value and that you shouldn't settle for less than being loved, appreciated, and respected? I don't remember any of that happening in my childhood, and in my teenage years. I remember becoming very cynical about my peers and erecting shields around myself so that their petty judgments and whatever else didn't affect me, but it did. To this day, I have the hardest time allowing people to really know me, even love me. At times, it would feel that there's obviously something wrong with the real me that is best kept away from the world...like my true feelings and emotions. I was a pretty thin-skinned child; quick to anger and getting my feelings hurt. I HATED that about myself, so I would make it a point to just keep parts of myself locked away from people. And, like other children born in the 1980s and were teens in the 1990s, we were raised in the Age of 'No'( a beautiful name created by a beautiful man). Basically, there was no real nurturing, just "no" to drugs, "no" to sex, and "no" to alcohol. No discussions or teachings on how to be a woman; just judgments because I played video games and hung out in arcades until late. No discussions about sex and sexuality; you know, how it's done, what I should and shouldn't do, just "you're gonna do what you want to do anyway, so just be careful", and helping to raise younger siblings in a way to keep me under the thumb.

Now, a part of me doesn't resent ALL of that, because focusing on finishing high school on time and going to college wasn't a bad thing. It's the instilling of FEAR in me that I deeply resent. It's not having a true feminine presence in my life. One that was NURTURING, KIND, and could advise me and uplift me with real guidance, not try to dictate to me how I should live my life, and feel that "Older ALWAYS means WISER", especially since YOUR personal life wasn't even that great of an example to go by, yet in the end, I succumbed to the same traps of allowing my self-esteem, pride and self-respect to be dictated and eroded by others.

So. Here it is. I believe that I've pretty much laid out the big, dark secret of my heart. Because of all of the events mentioned, I don't know what being a woman, a person who loves themselves, OR what a good lover/girlfriend is, and try as I might, I still had issues with being emotionally available. My ignorance in all these affairs continue to cause problems in my personal life, and I feel like I detract value from the relationships I have with people than actually ADD value. And that's because at times I feel that I don't have value. So, the question is, how do I go about changing that? How does one begin to see good within themselves, and on a DAILY basis? Do I have to start small, take it step by step? What does a REAL woman do to acknowledge within herself that she is a fabulous creature, all powerful, and all deserving of nothing but the best?

Hmm. Maybe I could start by continuing to forgive myself every day, but to ACTUALLY do it, no matter how harsh words will sound to me (and they will). I can't let that erode the hope that someday, I will have totally forgiven myself, and those I've hurt will, too. So, here goes:

"Just because I'm choosing to forgive myself for past actions doesn't mean that I believe those decisions I made were good ones. They were what I was, no longer what I AM...or more appropriately, what I am BECOMING. I can and will learn from those choices, and each day, I will try to let go of the the guilt I am accustomed to punishing myself for. Each day, I will give myself permission to forgive myself, and to realize that I am allowed to forgive myself."

"I will forgive myself for believing that I'm not worthy of love. I will have the courage to believe that I'm worthy of love, and that I can learn the right way to accept that love and allow myself to be loved by others."

Congrats and Challenges

Usually I use this blog to reflect on my faults and shortcomings. I'm going to do something that I hardly do, and need to do more often. And that is pat myself on the back.

So, as of November 11th, I will be enrolled part time in Art Institute of Pittsburgh Online Division! Yes, after years of feeling jaded towards the system of higher education and its rising costs, I have decided to FINISH my Associates degree. And in doing so, I have become...an ADULT!! WHIPPEE!!! XD

This decision wouldn't have come to pass if it wasn't not only for me deciding to go along with this suggestion, but if it wasn't suggested by my beautiful and loving couple, in particular, my nurturing and caring woman. Thank you so much, sweetheart. Your belief in me nourishes me. <3

I'm at a good spot in life as far as plans go. I'm giving myself about 2-3 years to complete my degree, the time might be shorter or a bit more, depending on whether I stay with part time (I'm going pt for my first quarter because ft is WAY TOO pricey at this moment in time, and as my man says, "It's no fun being broke!"), goes 3 quarter time, or full time. The goal is to be able to go ft to finish up faster, and to do that, I'm on my scholarship/free money grind!! Gimme da CASH!! I'm looking at other avenues to pay for school as well; in January, a new job search is in order. Why? Cuz I NEED MORE GUAP, homies! Like I said, GIMME DA CASH!!!

Ahh. That felt good.

Now, here are some things for me to continue working on:
-not eating shit and taking shit from ANYBODY
-rebuild the love of drawing and art, and evolve
-build a thicker skin, especially when it comes to criticism in all its forms and means of delivery.
-believe in myself, no matter how dark the sky gets.
-allow myself to be more emotionally available and vulnerable

And that's it! Everything else is kinda mundane and will fall into place soon.

Kinda a Bad Day....

For the past few days, I've noticed how my energy is, whether I'm on the way to work or at work. It's a very nervous or anxious type of energy, always ready to go-go-go I guess, but lately, it's really starting to bother me. I'm used to being able to handle certain amounts of stress, whether it's from work, rushing, or even working out. Yet, now, when I'm sitting at my desk and I'm not even THINKING about something that would MAKE me nervous, my body gets nervous.

For no reason.

It's at the point where I have to stop what I'm doing and ask myself softly: WHY AM I NERVOUS? After which, I get a sense of calm, and I'm able to get back to work.

I'm still having problems dealing with stress. When that happens, I feel the effects physically. When I feel the effects, I have doubts about my health and I question my ability to handle this and get all the way back to business, which only begets more negative thinking, taking me back to that horrible place when I was sick in August.

When I doubt what I can do with my body, I don't work out to my full capacity and/or it takes the drive out of me. I've dug too deep to create the resolve of getting healthier again to let this stop me, but some days, the weight of it all is hard. Some days, I'm able to keep focused on the positive and in my workout, while other days, when I become aware of the stress.....just puts a slight damper on my mood.

I know that once I have that concrete sense of self again, these feelings will pass. I just have to feel the things I feel and still press on, through the fear, through all of it. I have to rebuild that belief I had that I could handle anything that comes. I AM rebuilding it. Just running into roadblocks along the way...

Time to kill the ANTs!!

This is just a short blurb.

If you haven't read this book, "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life", by Daniel G. Amen, M.D., you should. I bought this book to help me get a hold over my recent bouts with anxiety, but it's helping with that and so much more.

I'm only up to page 65, and I'm re-examining so much about myself, all the negative things my mind would automatically tell me and I never thought to question them....until now.

Now, I dedicate each day to fight my mind's automatic negative thoughts....also known as ANTs. I'm going to become an ANT killer!

And I will dedicate each day to loving myself a bit more. That means believing in myself. Believing I am a good person, worthy to be loved by others. That means taking care of my body with working out and molding my body into what I want it to be, becoming stronger, fit, and healthier.

More Logic, Less Emotion

Well, the short vacation from the long vacation is turning out differently than everyone had planned and/or thought.

For starters, my menstrual decided to show itself on the day of my departure. Yes, that's right....the time when I get to finally see my partners and be intimate after, oh four months, and wowzers, it just HAD to come on Thursday....

Naturally, that put a damper on all our spirits. Then, en route to come get me from Buffalo Airport, my partners get rear-ended by some asshole who was trying to cut in front of them I believe. They're both okay, but sustained some annoying injuries that will take a bit to see relief from. So between that, making sure insurance would pay for the grave damage done to their car, getting a rental, and having to go to the ER for x-rays but not receiving them because of some asshole doctor....not exactly the Labour Day getaway we all had in mind.

I'm torn all over the place, because I go through the motions when things don't go as planned, and what was planned beyond the fucking was some well needed cuddle-and-heal Jazzy time, which, of course, in light of everything that's happened would be selfish and stupid to expect and ask for. They need support more than I do now, but I don't know how to give it. I feel that my stupid affections do nothing. They tend to lick their wounds better than I do. Just a great thing of being together for so long, I know. And all that happens is I stay inside my head and keep my emotions behind a wall.

*sigh*

Sometimes I wish I was into more of the things they're into so I wouldn't be so silent and inside myself all the time. I wish my goddamned period didn't come so we could've had all the closeness, holding, and fucking. YES, I SAID IT, FUCKING!!


Okay. I've got that out of my system now. And the Mister and I talked about it, so I guess we're square for the time being. He apologized for this weekend turning out the way it did. We talked, but the question still nags me: What I can really do in this instance, besides watch them sort of stew in all the stress, anger, and uncertainty? To just be like, "oh, everything will be okay" just wouldn't cut it, and would make me sound like the douchenozzle doctors at the ER who didn't even send them on their way with meds for their pain.

So, yea....with the couple licking their wounds together, what can I really do, besides "be a spectator"? I was really looking forward to NOT being in my own head this time around, but here I am, doing it yet again because there's nothing much I can do (i.e., I feel helpless and unable to contribute ANYTHING when they NEED me to. Or do they REALLY need me to? I'm stumped mentally. And opposed to acting like some spoiled, needy brat, screaming, "I'm here! Let's be close and heal! Love me! Include me, I'm your lover and I'm here for you!!", being in my head to keep all that crap at bay seems like the smarter option.)


Fuck.

In Sickness and in Health

I think I'm somewhat depressed, because I'm in a real mental funk right now.
This seems to happen after I experience something bad for the first time, or when I'm stressed out before taking a vacation.

In this particular case, I've just spent the past two weeks dealing with a gastric illness that gave me some bad acid reflux. Because of it, I've had two hospital trips, been freaked about my health, dehydrated and left with little to no appetite because of the reflux, was out from work for 3 days until I saw a doctor that put me on some meds.

Meanwhile, through all that, I've had to deal with hyperventilation, anxiety, and fears about not getting better, not being able to be active and work out again, and of not being able to eat. This sickness just consumed me and took all my fire away, leaving me scattered to the four winds with no idea how to gather myself back again, but knowing that I had to. I was a mess, physically, mentally, and emotionally. There were times I was so drained physically, it made me feel like a shell of a person, and I just wanted the torment to be over, and to believe that I'd make it though somehow. The length of time it took to get a handle on what was going on had me up and down emotionally.

Now, physically, I'm building myself back up again. Even with my fears of not being 100% and overexerting myself, I'm back in the gym, just using light weights so I can work my way back to building. I've been eating a bit more, enough that I actually have energy to deal with work, though at times, I do feel that I could use more. A lot more. I just want to implement the changes I was so happy and excited to start two weeks prior.

I want to not be afraid of hurting/messing myself up more. I don't want to feel anymore paralyzing anxiety, to the point where it gets hard to breathe, and I feel lightheaded and fuzzy. I want to be able to sleep peacefully without worrying about my lungs giving out. I want to fall back in love with food again. Not to the point where I will eat recklessly and get sick again, but just to crave for it. To not let fear rule my decisions on what I eat. TO actually FEEL hungry( I guess that goes along the line of CRAVINGS, so yea! LOL).

Would you believe this was all over my eating a Sausage-Egg Biscuit from McDonald's?

Fuckin' bullshit, right?

But yes. So many pieces to pick up that I don't always know where to start. My health, of course. Just need to get rid of health jitters that have been put in me and exacerbated by family being way too worried. Not that I didn't appreciate their concern. I do. I needed them there. But...what you TELL someone while they're in the position I was in can really help things along or build a bigger box of fear you have to break down. And I already had enough fear and doubt swirling inside of me like a tempest, which to this day, at the time of me writing this, is proving to be a challenge to just let go of.

I do want to thank my family for praying for me, especially a big thanks to my grandmother for fixing me food so that my stomach wouldn't cause me pain and I could actually function, for coming with me to the doctor, and basically taking care of me mentally at times, consoling me when I'd cry from sadness and feeling hopeless, and for helping to calm me down from anxiety attacks. And thanks to my couple for all their words of encouragement and putting up with me through this, and for continually telling me to go back to the gym. I know that I have to pick up the pieces somewhere and working out is a good place to start, and it helps to get my mind off of my health concerns, if only for a little while.