So, I'm back in the gym. Yay! Now that I'm back on track with THAT, WHAT ELSE needs to be taken care of?
Well, I need a new computer, for one. Think I'll go with a laptop. So, time to put that money aside for it. What will I do after that? Well being that I'll blink and the year will practically be OVER, I SHOULD plan my moves for 2010. What will I focus on?
I've been pushing back learning how to drive, but I should start studying the manual hardcore after I get my laptop. And put aside money for driving lessons. Hopefully I can make this happen for November into December. Once I put enough money into driving lessons, I can start saving money to move away again. But, where would I go? Where would I be able to get the jump start I need to start living MY life how I want?
Ontario, maybe?
Well, it would make my relationship hella easier. I could see my BF and GF whenever I wanted(hopefully). Ha HA, YES my BF!! AND GF!! It still gives me a TINGLE to be able to even SAY THAT! I guess this would make me "bi" to people on the outside; I dont know. I mean, I can't say that I feel weird about letting a woman pleasure me sexually, because I've done it!! Would be kinda hypocritical, yesno? I don't know what I'd define myself as now. I just know that I really care about this couple I've met. I worry about being able to give them what they want from me, I know that. It can be a little hard to be everything for one person, but TWO? Lol I'm probably worrying more than I have to, and that's keeping me from just doing and feeling, so I'll have to work on that.
Going up to Mississauga to be with Bessie and Jay, my couple, was a great experience. I think it just took some time to find my place with them. They've been together for such a long time, so they're so solid(in my opinion, so it was a slight challenge to see where I'd fit in, especially out in public. Was it okay to show affection, to be affectionate with people around, especially around people who know them? Would I just look like some desperate third wheel? And that wasn't all that was on my mind.
I worried about warming up to Bessie sexually. While I've been curious or became more open to 'experimenting' with my sexuality, all of my more intimate, romantic, and sexual experiences have been with men, so I worried about whether I could warm up to Bess sexually. The woman is pretty hot as far as I'm concerned: thin-thick, cute face, hardly any body hair(I probably sound creepy for noticing that, but yea that was great for me, its like looking at a perfect version of a woman, I can't get over it still XD). She's intelligent, and can relate with me on lots of life experiences. She's pretty much everything I'd want in a person I'm close with PERIOD. A great lover and an even greater friend! I just want to be able to give her everything she wants out of me. Hopefully, I can just stop worrying, and just start FEELING. My next visit will be even better, for sure.
It's refreshing and a challenge to be with people who are as open and honest about everything as these two. Most times, when I keep my feelings inside, its because I feel that they're insignificant, and I'd think it'd be easier to just deal with my issues on my own. I mean, they realize that my issues are MINE, but when it bothers them, they come to me with it. That's helped to break down some walls inside me, and its bought us closer. I know I've got my shit, and at times I feel like nobody could or would WANT to be with me because of it. Jay and Bessie prove me wrong every day.
I DO wish we lived closer, so...moving up to Canada is definitely on my mind for when I've got enough saved and have a car. But what will be my main focus, besides them? I've got a talent and a language I'd love to get back into and actually USE, so...I really, REALLY need to figure how the hell to USE them. I have to fall in love with them again(the things I can do), and believe that I CAN do something with what I have. Or at least come to a decision and SEE IT THROUGH.
But, best not to put too much on my shoulders. Just take it one task at a time.
