I feel...surprisingly a bit angry.
At myself, but also, to others.
I tend to take things personally. Pretty fast. So, I felt that it was doe to me not allowing others to be themselves, so for a while, if something about someone who was a friend bothered me too much, I wouldn't bring it up because I'd tell myself, "Well, that's how they are, so just let them be how they are, and life would be better for me." Right??
Wrong. Fucking wrong.
In DOING this, I gave people too much power over me. Because while they would be free to be themselves around me, good or bad, whenever I wanted the same in return, this would not happen. But instead of bringing this to their attention, I just figured that since they knew me, they'd know what's best for me, and whatever was told to me was told for my further well being. So when I couldn't be what they thought I should or could be, I was harder on myself because of it. And in turn, continued to give those outside forces more power over me than they should've had in the first place. The more I think about it, the more I want to kick myself, but at the same time, they went along with it. They hardly talked to me, and only spent time with me when it was on their terms and they knew I'd do it because I cared. At first I thought of it as, "Well, its in their nature to not always keep in contact, and I'm the same, so blahblahblah insert random excuse because I just want to see the good in everyone and give everyone the benefit of the doubt excuse here".
But you know what? When it comes to those people, FUCK THAT SHIT.
The bottom line is...if you wanted me around more, then I'dve been around.
If you cared enough, you'd meet ME half way just as I met YOU.
If you actually cared as a friend, you'd stay in better contact.
When it all comes down to it, I just gave certain people the power to take me for granted and treat me less than I deserved to be treated. But that's something that I did to myself..I GAVE that power to them. Well, no more. I've had enough. No more, "well maybe its this or maybe its that" bullshit with those people. No, no, no more of that shit. That part of my life is over and done with, and I'm not giving these so-called friends the power to treat me like shit any longer. I've said my goodbyes, now fuck you, and get out of my life. You really expect me to put myself in a position to suffer?
I'm tired. Tired of giving my energy to those who pretend to give a fuck about me. Tired of giving power to people who just use it to hurt me in the end.
I've put myself on mute for far too long. Maybe it's time to turn the volume up again, fuck trying to keep everything nice and calm, fuck all that. When it's time to make noise, maybe I'll do just that...making some goddamn noise.
*note to self: Hmm, the more I write, the more fired-up I get. I wonder if there should be a part two to this....I'll consider it.
