So, the summer will be over soon, so its time to think seriously about how the rest of this year is gonna go. Lots of changes in store, I think. More personal changes, things that HAVE to be done.
I'm done with Jourei indefinitely. I've been done for a while actually, I just felt the need to "say it" here, so that I acknowledge it. It doesn't feel as fluid to me as it originally did. And its too intertwined with my past, the hurtful past that needs to be put behind me so that I can move on and reclaim my life. In truth, I only gave it a chance because my ex thought it I needed it, and for some time, it did fulfill something within me. But now that has changed, or rather, my mind set has changed. I'm not punishing myself for not being on everyone else's spiritual level anymore, and I know the more I'm around people who are more "up" there than I am, the more pressure I put on myself. I can't rush myself into becoming something I'm not even sure I'm supposed to be. I can't be around people when I'm not as strongly sure in my beliefs in something as they are; I become more of a hinderance than a help, and it would just detract from their main objective anyway....and MINE. I'll take what I've learned and apply it in my own time, and in my own way, whenever that's supposed to happen.
Part of me feels like a coward for doing this, because I've reached my limit and I don't think certain people will understand. I'll do my best to see them outside of Jourei and all, but I just can't be there now. It is unfortunately a constant reminder of what I've lost and what has replaced me. I fall back into this role of proving my worth to people that could really care less, so why should I? We're not real friends, we don't keep in contact, we don't hang out. I think this person feels like I have something to prove to them, and is waiting for that time still. Well to that I say KEEP WAITING. I am my own person with faults that I'm working on constantly, just like everyone else, but that doesn't make me any less worthy of your friendship. Maybe we're just not meant for that anymore. Not at this stage in my life. I just want to be free to COMPLETELY move on and fill this ever present void in my life. I don't know whether its meant to be filled by a person, place, thing, but I know that it won't be filled going to where the source of my pain and anguish is.
I've been drawing more lately, and I'm happy about that; I think that if I keep this up, I'll be able to create something meaningful at my own pace. I have to add stuff to my deviant art account soon. Hopefully it'll be well received. I'm re-tweaking and rethinking old ideas, trying to make them as interesting as I found them when I first bought them to life, back in elementary school.
Eating better and working out is important to me as well; since my gym fees are much lower now, it makes no sense NOT to use it. LOL. The trick is to decide wth I want to do with my body. I think my shape is fine, and my weight is at a good place. So shall I just do some light maintenance, or try to sculpt and build? The thing is I'm pretty thin, so even if I try to lift heavy, I'd have to do ALOT and eat shitloads of protein X_X Hmm, I should ask for advice, just gotta find a good source of info on this stuff. And get into a steady routine(I DREAD THAT WORD!!). I'd like to have a good routine going and not get sidetracked by anything and end up not going for a week/2 weeks/month.
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