Broken. Must pick up the Pieces.

I really have to work on my processing of guilt. It really takes me to some very dark places. It's mainly due to my inability to function in my relationship. And here I am, very much alone fighting these demons on the eve of Valentine's Day while everyone else is celebrating their love. All I know how to do is cause fights and frustration. No wonder they haven't talked to me all weekend. Who wants to deal with someone like me?

*sigh*

Always saying "no", questioning, unsure....who really wants to be with someone like that? Someone who brings nothing to the table, a ho...and we all know you can't turn people like me into housewives. I'm just too broken beyond repair. That's how everyone feels, and maybe it's true.

*sigh* This is supposed to be me identifying what's wrong, and it's turned into me beating myself up. I can't even stay on track here. Why can't I stay on track? How am I feeling?

Broken. Guilty. Stupid. Hollow. Crybaby. Inhibited. A burden to one and everyone. Where is the love for myself? Where is the forgiveness? Why can't I snap out of this behavior? Why am I failing at every turn?

If I can't become somewhat whole, then my life isn't worth living. If I can't get a handle on this shit and not fight people that love me, then life isn't worth it. I am and have been broken for too long, and I need to bring everything together. Mentally, emotionally, sexually. EVERYTHING. Now...from the chaos from dealing with fulfilling this threesome, these are the things I've had to come to terms with, and the negative things I'm letting go.

Being a freak is not the same as being a ho.

A freak is liberated. A freak knows what she wants and how she wants it sexually. A freak isn't held down by imprints courtesy of the patriarchy. A freak is sexy. Sensual. Confident. Loves herself. Stands by her values and morals. Is open and readily accepting of change.

A ho is morally ambiguous. Does sexual things for validation via comfort and acceptance, which is most times than not, false and fake, only "given" in order for the man to fuck her and treat her however he sees her. Stagnant. Does not want to change and can't change.

I'm broken. I don't want to be a ho anymore. I want to be a freak. More so....I want to be whole. Fulfilled. Sensual. Loving. Confident. Self-loving(non-narcissistic). Self-forgiving(non-delusional).