I need an "Unmute" button.

I feel...surprisingly a bit angry.

At myself, but also, to others.

I tend to take things personally. Pretty fast. So, I felt that it was doe to me not allowing others to be themselves, so for a while, if something about someone who was a friend bothered me too much, I wouldn't bring it up because I'd tell myself, "Well, that's how they are, so just let them be how they are, and life would be better for me." Right??

Wrong. Fucking wrong.

In DOING this, I gave people too much power over me. Because while they would be free to be themselves around me, good or bad, whenever I wanted the same in return, this would not happen. But instead of bringing this to their attention, I just figured that since they knew me, they'd know what's best for me, and whatever was told to me was told for my further well being. So when I couldn't be what they thought I should or could be, I was harder on myself because of it. And in turn, continued to give those outside forces more power over me than they should've had in the first place. The more I think about it, the more I want to kick myself, but at the same time, they went along with it. They hardly talked to me, and only spent time with me when it was on their terms and they knew I'd do it because I cared. At first I thought of it as, "Well, its in their nature to not always keep in contact, and I'm the same, so blahblahblah insert random excuse because I just want to see the good in everyone and give everyone the benefit of the doubt excuse here".

But you know what? When it comes to those people, FUCK THAT SHIT.

The bottom line is...if you wanted me around more, then I'dve been around.
If you cared enough, you'd meet ME half way just as I met YOU.
If you actually cared as a friend, you'd stay in better contact.

When it all comes down to it, I just gave certain people the power to take me for granted and treat me less than I deserved to be treated. But that's something that I did to myself..I GAVE that power to them. Well, no more. I've had enough. No more, "well maybe its this or maybe its that" bullshit with those people. No, no, no more of that shit. That part of my life is over and done with, and I'm not giving these so-called friends the power to treat me like shit any longer. I've said my goodbyes, now fuck you, and get out of my life. You really expect me to put myself in a position to suffer?

I'm tired. Tired of giving my energy to those who pretend to give a fuck about me. Tired of giving power to people who just use it to hurt me in the end.

I've put myself on mute for far too long. Maybe it's time to turn the volume up again, fuck trying to keep everything nice and calm, fuck all that. When it's time to make noise, maybe I'll do just that...making some goddamn noise.

*note to self: Hmm, the more I write, the more fired-up I get. I wonder if there should be a part two to this....I'll consider it.

Musings as of late....

So, I'm back in the gym. Yay! Now that I'm back on track with THAT, WHAT ELSE needs to be taken care of?

Well, I need a new computer, for one. Think I'll go with a laptop. So, time to put that money aside for it. What will I do after that? Well being that I'll blink and the year will practically be OVER, I SHOULD plan my moves for 2010. What will I focus on?

I've been pushing back learning how to drive, but I should start studying the manual hardcore after I get my laptop. And put aside money for driving lessons. Hopefully I can make this happen for November into December. Once I put enough money into driving lessons, I can start saving money to move away again. But, where would I go? Where would I be able to get the jump start I need to start living MY life how I want?

Ontario, maybe?

Well, it would make my relationship hella easier. I could see my BF and GF whenever I wanted(hopefully). Ha HA, YES my BF!! AND GF!! It still gives me a TINGLE to be able to even SAY THAT! I guess this would make me "bi" to people on the outside; I dont know. I mean, I can't say that I feel weird about letting a woman pleasure me sexually, because I've done it!! Would be kinda hypocritical, yesno? I don't know what I'd define myself as now. I just know that I really care about this couple I've met. I worry about being able to give them what they want from me, I know that. It can be a little hard to be everything for one person, but TWO? Lol I'm probably worrying more than I have to, and that's keeping me from just doing and feeling, so I'll have to work on that.

Going up to Mississauga to be with Bessie and Jay, my couple, was a great experience. I think it just took some time to find my place with them. They've been together for such a long time, so they're so solid(in my opinion, so it was a slight challenge to see where I'd fit in, especially out in public. Was it okay to show affection, to be affectionate with people around, especially around people who know them? Would I just look like some desperate third wheel? And that wasn't all that was on my mind.

I worried about warming up to Bessie sexually. While I've been curious or became more open to 'experimenting' with my sexuality, all of my more intimate, romantic, and sexual experiences have been with men, so I worried about whether I could warm up to Bess sexually. The woman is pretty hot as far as I'm concerned: thin-thick, cute face, hardly any body hair(I probably sound creepy for noticing that, but yea that was great for me, its like looking at a perfect version of a woman, I can't get over it still XD). She's intelligent, and can relate with me on lots of life experiences. She's pretty much everything I'd want in a person I'm close with PERIOD. A great lover and an even greater friend! I just want to be able to give her everything she wants out of me. Hopefully, I can just stop worrying, and just start FEELING. My next visit will be even better, for sure.

It's refreshing and a challenge to be with people who are as open and honest about everything as these two. Most times, when I keep my feelings inside, its because I feel that they're insignificant, and I'd think it'd be easier to just deal with my issues on my own. I mean, they realize that my issues are MINE, but when it bothers them, they come to me with it. That's helped to break down some walls inside me, and its bought us closer. I know I've got my shit, and at times I feel like nobody could or would WANT to be with me because of it. Jay and Bessie prove me wrong every day.


I DO wish we lived closer, so...moving up to Canada is definitely on my mind for when I've got enough saved and have a car. But what will be my main focus, besides them? I've got a talent and a language I'd love to get back into and actually USE, so...I really, REALLY need to figure how the hell to USE them. I have to fall in love with them again(the things I can do), and believe that I CAN do something with what I have. Or at least come to a decision and SEE IT THROUGH.

But, best not to put too much on my shoulders. Just take it one task at a time.

(Almost) End of Summer Thoughts

So, the summer will be over soon, so its time to think seriously about how the rest of this year is gonna go. Lots of changes in store, I think. More personal changes, things that HAVE to be done.

I'm done with Jourei indefinitely. I've been done for a while actually, I just felt the need to "say it" here, so that I acknowledge it. It doesn't feel as fluid to me as it originally did. And its too intertwined with my past, the hurtful past that needs to be put behind me so that I can move on and reclaim my life. In truth, I only gave it a chance because my ex thought it I needed it, and for some time, it did fulfill something within me. But now that has changed, or rather, my mind set has changed. I'm not punishing myself for not being on everyone else's spiritual level anymore, and I know the more I'm around people who are more "up" there than I am, the more pressure I put on myself. I can't rush myself into becoming something I'm not even sure I'm supposed to be. I can't be around people when I'm not as strongly sure in my beliefs in something as they are; I become more of a hinderance than a help, and it would just detract from their main objective anyway....and MINE. I'll take what I've learned and apply it in my own time, and in my own way, whenever that's supposed to happen.

Part of me feels like a coward for doing this, because I've reached my limit and I don't think certain people will understand. I'll do my best to see them outside of Jourei and all, but I just can't be there now. It is unfortunately a constant reminder of what I've lost and what has replaced me. I fall back into this role of proving my worth to people that could really care less, so why should I? We're not real friends, we don't keep in contact, we don't hang out. I think this person feels like I have something to prove to them, and is waiting for that time still. Well to that I say KEEP WAITING. I am my own person with faults that I'm working on constantly, just like everyone else, but that doesn't make me any less worthy of your friendship. Maybe we're just not meant for that anymore. Not at this stage in my life. I just want to be free to COMPLETELY move on and fill this ever present void in my life. I don't know whether its meant to be filled by a person, place, thing, but I know that it won't be filled going to where the source of my pain and anguish is.

I've been drawing more lately, and I'm happy about that; I think that if I keep this up, I'll be able to create something meaningful at my own pace. I have to add stuff to my deviant art account soon. Hopefully it'll be well received. I'm re-tweaking and rethinking old ideas, trying to make them as interesting as I found them when I first bought them to life, back in elementary school.

Eating better and working out is important to me as well; since my gym fees are much lower now, it makes no sense NOT to use it. LOL. The trick is to decide wth I want to do with my body. I think my shape is fine, and my weight is at a good place. So shall I just do some light maintenance, or try to sculpt and build? The thing is I'm pretty thin, so even if I try to lift heavy, I'd have to do ALOT and eat shitloads of protein X_X Hmm, I should ask for advice, just gotta find a good source of info on this stuff. And get into a steady routine(I DREAD THAT WORD!!). I'd like to have a good routine going and not get sidetracked by anything and end up not going for a week/2 weeks/month.

Nothing to fear....

I need to get a life....like, a REAL one. It seems like most friends I have I only talk to them online; I don't really go out and meet new people. I just feel so isolated from everyone else. Most times I need it, but I guess no one can go without some form of interaction with other people. I think I'm just too closed off; I feel that nobody will like me or accept me for me, so its easier to keep them away. I mean, I DO have friends, but I guess I should just keep meeting new people and take it easy once in a while. And who knows, maybe once I start living more in the real world than inside my head, things might get better. Maybe I'd feel more like I'm living my life instead of letting it pass me by wishing I could be as open as other people..

End of the Month Reflections

I'm one of those geeks who gets a daily tarot card in my email (thanks, astrology.com). This was the one I received yesterday, and it has alot of meaning:

"The time may soon be at hand where you have to change your mind or focus, or let go of the clutter or craving. Try to loosen up, give until it hurts or throw it away altogether. But remember that your motivations need to come from a place of humility and understanding. If you are giving just to satisfy ego concerns, the situation may become even trickier. If the situation is destructive or the collection no longer offers pleasure, you need to step up and be the bigger person. Think abut what benefits everyone in this situation."

It speaks to me so deeply, because many things have happened in this weaksauce of a month. I'm stubborn to the point that I hate to give up on things, especially when I feel that I deserve them. But I will have to change my mind and focus on truly re-building MY life, using everything I've discovered about myself thus far. I truly want this month to be over so that I can move forward with my goals. But before I can move on, I must reflect on what's happened.

So, basically I feel that in order to grow, I have to let go of things that aren't working; basically I can't continue to be in situations where I have to be something I'm not, where I'm surrounded by people who just want to sedate me and keep me in check. I can't be true to myself in situations like those; I have to think so MUCH about how I'm acting/how I should act/etc to put OTHER people at ease around me, and I don't see it being done for me; like there's no equality. It makes me unsure of myself, and causes more friction between said parties. I can't be around people who feel like they can't be around me, and when I feel that a connection has been essentially severed. I don't go through this when I'm in other groups of people. I feel so free and happy when I can just be true to myself....when I can just BE. No thinking, no hesitations, no expectations....NONE of that. THAT. IS. WHAT. I. NEED!!! Maybe I'm not secure enough in my skin around more aloof types, so I'll work on that within myself. I'm just sick of feeling that I allow others to be what they are, yet I'm not allowed to be who I am. I have to realize that's their problem and all I can do is keep going forward.

Okay....that was one part. Now for the other part. I've already stated that I'm kinda relationship-phobic and I've stated why. Honestly, I really dont know why I'd want to be with someone. To ease loneliness? Companionship? Because I need someone with me all the time? I think those are not the best reasons. Many people go searching for love and it seems like even after countless relationships, they still haven't found it. Maybe it's because what they're looking for is already inside of them, and they don't realize this; I used to think that I had everyting else going for me, but needed someone else to complete. Of course, this was a terrible way of thinking, and it only leads to heartbreak. It's like going into something with a list of demands and not being happy with yourself. You really can't expect someone to love you or respect you if you don't love and respect yourself, and I see that so clearly now. I feel like I've been drowning this whole time, and now that I've come up for air, there's no going back. I won't allow myself to settle for less than what I want; to me that REALLY means to know when to LET GO or not even PUT myself in the position to even CONSIDER getting less than what I want. I know I'm worth having someone who will accept me as I am; hopefully someday that person will be lead to me. If it's not meant to be then it's not; you can't make anyone change their mind and their feelings.

So, in short, this month has been the hot weaksauce! But at least I know what must be done to go to the next step in my life. Thank god this suck ass month will be over in about 8 days. I'm ready to go forward.

How fast things can change....Endings and Beginnings

So last night and today were very event filled. I decided unfortunately that at the end of February, I will be returning back home. It was a very hard decision for me; mainly because of my pride. I feel that I should be able to make a way somehow, but based on my finances, I wouldn't be able to keep this going. Even though I received a raise from work, it's still not enough to pay my rent, my bills, my ONE CC debt, be able to make sure I have sufficient food and clothes, and MORE IMPORTANTLY, SAVE MONEY. Not to mention be able to go the doctor or in my case DENTIST to get these teeth extracted....which I continue to out off but now I can't because the right side of my mouth bothers me more than ever now. Plus the other reality is that I won't have enough $$ to do things that would keep me sane, like go away when I need to. So I had to face reality and come to a decision. I broke the news to my roommate, and we both cried and sobbed on it; she and her BF had split up because they weren't getting along, but since she's on disability, she depended on his income to help pay bills. I feel like I'm deserting her in a way, but this is something I have to do, and not be weak about it. So it'll take me a while to get things ready back at my old room so that I can move shit back end of next month. It'll be time to reflect, save money, and plan my next move.

I'm grateful that I was able to be free, if only for a short time. I learned alot from this experience and will use this knowledge when it's time for me to leave home again. That's not the only thing that's been bugging me.

I've been doing alot of self reflection and searching, and I'm coming closer to understanding how to be more at ease with myself and love myself more. So, naturally, I want to put an end to self destructive behaviors that I put myself through and those that I've enable people in my life to do to me. But it seems the more I try to come into my own, the more disconnected I become with certain people. i think it's because they feel I'm changing into someone that they don't think I should change into, and while I value their opinion, it's still up to me what I do with the information. How do you really know what MY full potential in life is? Shit, I still don't know what I'm capable of. I've never given myself the chance to think that I'm capable of accomplishing anything of significance. But I don't need you to punish me or test me because I'm not living the way YOU feel I should live. Why do you feel like you have to punish me or test me like you do? Because of our history and how I feel for you, I've basically set a store by how YOU uphold me in your mind. But the reality is that nobody will ever live up to someone else's expectations, because they're not always realistic. And for me to stress over not living up to what someone thinks I should be is ridiculous, and unhealthy for any type of relationship, friendship, etc. I ultimately make a way through things and they seem to be the right decision, so trust that I will always do what is best for me and what will be the best overall. Maybe once I believe more in myself and love myself more, maybe you will love me more too. I hope so.