How fast things can change....Endings and Beginnings

So last night and today were very event filled. I decided unfortunately that at the end of February, I will be returning back home. It was a very hard decision for me; mainly because of my pride. I feel that I should be able to make a way somehow, but based on my finances, I wouldn't be able to keep this going. Even though I received a raise from work, it's still not enough to pay my rent, my bills, my ONE CC debt, be able to make sure I have sufficient food and clothes, and MORE IMPORTANTLY, SAVE MONEY. Not to mention be able to go the doctor or in my case DENTIST to get these teeth extracted....which I continue to out off but now I can't because the right side of my mouth bothers me more than ever now. Plus the other reality is that I won't have enough $$ to do things that would keep me sane, like go away when I need to. So I had to face reality and come to a decision. I broke the news to my roommate, and we both cried and sobbed on it; she and her BF had split up because they weren't getting along, but since she's on disability, she depended on his income to help pay bills. I feel like I'm deserting her in a way, but this is something I have to do, and not be weak about it. So it'll take me a while to get things ready back at my old room so that I can move shit back end of next month. It'll be time to reflect, save money, and plan my next move.

I'm grateful that I was able to be free, if only for a short time. I learned alot from this experience and will use this knowledge when it's time for me to leave home again. That's not the only thing that's been bugging me.

I've been doing alot of self reflection and searching, and I'm coming closer to understanding how to be more at ease with myself and love myself more. So, naturally, I want to put an end to self destructive behaviors that I put myself through and those that I've enable people in my life to do to me. But it seems the more I try to come into my own, the more disconnected I become with certain people. i think it's because they feel I'm changing into someone that they don't think I should change into, and while I value their opinion, it's still up to me what I do with the information. How do you really know what MY full potential in life is? Shit, I still don't know what I'm capable of. I've never given myself the chance to think that I'm capable of accomplishing anything of significance. But I don't need you to punish me or test me because I'm not living the way YOU feel I should live. Why do you feel like you have to punish me or test me like you do? Because of our history and how I feel for you, I've basically set a store by how YOU uphold me in your mind. But the reality is that nobody will ever live up to someone else's expectations, because they're not always realistic. And for me to stress over not living up to what someone thinks I should be is ridiculous, and unhealthy for any type of relationship, friendship, etc. I ultimately make a way through things and they seem to be the right decision, so trust that I will always do what is best for me and what will be the best overall. Maybe once I believe more in myself and love myself more, maybe you will love me more too. I hope so.