So...the New Year will be here in 2 days, so what do I want to change? I want to be able to open up to people without letting their words hurt me. I want to be able to let someone in my heart, and when the time comes, if/when they go, I don't want to be devastated; well I know that it will hurt, but I want to believe that I will be okay. I want to stop developing feelings for people that I know I cannot be with. I have to start to feel that I have something to offer to people, but I guess that comes with more self confidence. I don't know where the lack comes from, but I know that it's killing me slowly, keeping me from going after what and whom I want. Even if I take a chance and get rejected, I don't want the pain of that to stop me from going forward; I think its the whole "search" thing that gets me down. I mean, it took a long time for me to love ONE guy, but that was taken from me, so now I have to find another one? It's immensely harder. Sometimes I want to tell this person how I feel about them. But it would just make things so weird. That's worse than being rejected by someone I hardly know. Maybe the day will come when I can, but by then, it won't matter. They will have found who they were searching for, and shocker...it wasn't me anyway. So I guess I have no choice BUT to live with it. Endure through it. Hell, maybe even get OVER it! I guess the time for that will come someday; in a way I hope it comes soon. Feeling down because you can't be with whom you want to be with is something I WAY used to, but it just gets tiresome after a while. Just like not being able to express how you really feel to someone you want. It fucking sucks, because when I think I can fathom have ANY sort of feelings for anyone, they just end up being beyond my reach. And like, the person doesn't understand....of course in a perfect world, whoever we gave our heart to first we want to be with that person forever, but sadly it doesn't always work out that way, so sometimes....it's not always about who's our first choice or whatever. In the end, most people never end up with whomever was THEIR first choice anyway.
I know that I just bring these situations onto myself; I just attract guys who in some way, shape, or form, are unattainable, either because their life paths are different from mine, they live too far away, or--the most common reason--they're just not interested in me. I'm that person they can count on to be there for them, chill with them, etc etc, but.....somehow there's no deeper feelings other than some slight attraction MAYBE. For 2009 that needs to change. Deep down, I KNOW that I'm not just the fun person; I AM someone worth sticking around for. I AM someone worth communication with if you feel things are not going right. I AM WORTHY of being loved!!!
I don't know what's in store for me romance-wise, but I do know that I'm tired of feeling like I can't catch a break. I'm tired of feeling that I can't have whom I want , that I can't be with who I want to be with; it seems like I'm fighting with the universe on whom I'm supposed to be with, and I'm sick of fighting, because it just seems that all my choices are WRONG. So...I don't know what I'm supposed to think anymore. I just hope that things will be better.
No comments:
Post a Comment