Where does it all come from?

So.

Reading back over the last entry, I can see the anger that I've feel and have felt my whole life in regards to my feelings of not just being a woman, but just being a person. I'll take this time to go deeper, without getting too riled up...hopefully.

Why so angry, black woman?

I easily become infuriated when I think of all the attributes society has created to dictate how a woman should behave; yknow…having grace or being graceful, always be nice, speak when spoken to, act prim and proper, and don’t curse, etc, etc. Basically to me, this all felt too much like a game that wasn’t any fun to play because I can’t pretend to be something that I’m not for the sake of other people. It was apparent to me that these so-called rules were nothing but weapons used to keep women under the heel of macho men. It further incensed me that women bought INTO that line of thought, and programmed it into their daughters from the cradle. So when I've come across this line of thinking, and was told to "be more ladylike/act like a young lady/be a lady", my reply usually fell along the lines of “eat a dick” or “die in a fire.”

I began to think more and more about my childhood experiences, not just the teasing from classmates and so-called friends who saw fit to judge me, put me down, call me names, and talked about me behind my back. I looked to the females in my life who were the ‘role models’, the ones who, through my experiences with them, shaped my way of thinking. I thought long and hard about it, especially after looking through some astrological aspects from a natal chart I did on myself a WHILE back ago.

(Side note: Yes, I am an astrology-geek; not a full-on student, but I’ve done some research and experimenting, enough to recognize the truth revealed to me about myself in my findings).

I read a description of a certain planetary aspect I have known as “Moon conjunct Pluto”. Here’s an excerpt from it that set this in motion:

“It is very possible that you were especially sensitive to your maternal figure's emotions, and picked up on her feelings of being overpowered, overwhelmed, resentful, or mistrustful. A strong love-hate attachment to her, or crises surrounding your experience of her, may be something that you live with and it could be undermining you in some manner.”

“The connection you feel with your mother may be especially strong, and it is quite possible that you felt inundated by her emotional needs in a very powerful way when you were younger.”

Hoo-fucking-RAA.

Now, I'm not the type who will blame others for things and not work on fixing themselves. I'm ALSO aware that I tend to not take the time to address any issues from the past, wanting to just move on and let the past stay in the past. That's a good way to be only once you've PROCESSED all the hurt, made sense of how past events have affected you, and learned lessons from the experience. All things that I tend to NOT do. And if it’s true that the things a girl learns about being a woman come from her mother or whatever maternal figure(s) are in that girl's life...well, here are some things I saw in my mom growing up.

She was strong and had a good work ethic, working one, sometimes two jobs to support me and put me catholic school, and subsequently, my brother, through his schooling until she moved to North Carolina when I was 16. She can be funny and loving at times; whenever I'd do something great for school, or performed with my fellow classmates in our Winter and Spring concerts by song and/or playing instruments, she was always proud of that. She was a fox; as a little girl, I loved to watch her dress up when she'd have a date or go to the club on Friday nights/weekends.

Good things, no? But here are the drawbacks to that stuff:

Yes, she was strong, but she was also oppressive, especially with her punishments. She would hit me where it would hurt the most, and with KNOWING what would hurt me, she would do it all the time. If I were on punishment, not being able to watch television was bad, but she knew I loved to draw, so she'd either lock up or throw away my art supplies. She was pretty uncompromising; it was no big thing for her to give out ultimatums, asserting her authority over me with an 'iron' fist. I noticed that more growing up from an older teen to adulthood. That and no matter what, she always has to have the last word, and apologizing is pretty hard for her. While she was proud of my accomplishments in school with music and art, she was quite demanding and made it known where she wanted me to go in terms of my life choices. I lost interest in music and wanted to continue drawing; she was vehemently against it, always reminding me of starving artists, keeping in my mind that the road to being an artist would be too hard. And to this day, my mother continues with be dependent on those closest to her when she needs help financially.

The other 'maternal' figure I had was my grandmother, who looked after me after my mother moved to North Carolina. More old school than my mom, she too, was overbearing at times in asserting her authority, especially the older I got. She criticized and questioned me about everything that I was interested in: going to the arcade, having mostly guy friends, me not giving a damn about going to church...it seemed as though she had a problem with everything about me. So preoccupied with how the world would perceive me and worried, her worries often came very harsh; she would just say things, no matter how hurtful it would sound, sometimes apologizing later, but most times, not.

Add all of these things together, and you get a person feeling at odds between what people feel she should be and what she feels in her heart she should be. Always the outcast, never accepted fully by anyone, not even her own family, where it MATTERED the most. All my life, I've felt like I've had to defend myself for not wanting to be what others think I should be, for wanting to follow my own drumbeat.

Hmm. Funny. I really don't have a conclusion for this entry.

I just feel drained.

What being a woman is to Me

"I want you to do the same thing I did here. Explore yourself. What does being a woman mean to you?"

This was an 'assignment' given to me by a very close friend of mine. She recently blogged her definition of womanhood, and has come into her own at the age of 26, secure that she is, indeed a woman. Reading it just made me wonder about my OWN definition of womanhood. I've never thought about what it is to be a woman as much as what it means to be a PERSON.

What do I mean by this? To be a PERSON is to just be seen as WHO you are, and not WHAT you are. To not be discriminated against because of your race, status, and more times than NOT, your SEX. To me, society's general definition of being a woman is to be subservient, dependent, weak, frail...basically lacking strength and a backbone.

This point of view was a contrast to what I saw being raised by my mom. Until my mother moved away when I was 16, I saw her strength in raising me by herself, struggle with keeping me in catholic school by working long hours or even working two jobs to make sure my tuition was paid. From her, I got the sense of having to be able to be strong, to endure every and anything that life throws at you, and, being working class, most times life threw hard times.

The only disadvantage in seeing such strength all the time was that I became emotionally detached from family; there was no balance of strength with compassion, caring, and compromise. There was really an air of ruling with fear and an iron fist. I didn't feel that I could express myself emotionally to anyone, and so, walls were created to keep feelings and emotions inside, only spilling out when I felt slighted or hurt. I hated myself for that, and for how easily it was to rile my emotions, being that everything was always at the surface. All these damn emotions, and on top of that, according to the general opinion, I'm SUPPOSED TO function this way, because I'm a WOMAN? FUCK. THAT.

On top of all of this, as a kid, I was teased and gossiped about, and the main perpetrators were female. I hated them and hated what they embodied, and only found peace of mind when I gave in to my tomboyish ways and did more things 'associated' with male behavior. But I also resented male's views on what makes a woman attractive their eyes, most of the views being superficial, only caring about how a woman looks and having her second to him.

So having all these things in my face, telling me what being a woman should encompass, why should I be any or all of these things? To me, being a woman isn't only about how I look, its how I live my life. I decide what makes me a woman and what doesn't..besides from the obvious anatomical reasons. I've never had any compassionate, feeling feminine influences in my life, so I never gained knowledge about grace, poise, or any of that stuff. The thing is though, men and women are capable of having grace and whatnot, so why should it just be restricted being defined as just a feminine quality?

I acknowledge that I exhibit more qualities that are classified as being 'masculine; I've always been that way(hello, tomboy?). And I'm fine with that, and only run into conflicts when others judge or wag their fingers in my face, wanting me to act more like a 'lady'. The bottom line is, I'm gonna be what I FEEL I should be. Lately, I've been trying to balance out the 'masculine' with the 'feminine'. I seesaw from time to time, and you know what? That's okay too. Civilization wasn't created in one day or seven days, it was a process, ever evolving. And so am I. I'm constantly learning new things, experimenting, and seeing what feels true to me, and what doesn't.

Being a woman isn't about knowing how to cook or raise children. It's not about expecting people to always provide for you and take care of you. Being a woman isn't even about your wardrobe, or how much makeup you put on your face. It's about loving and accepting yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally, accepting all your weaknesses as well as your strengths, working on said weaknesses to better yourself.

It's about having courage and strength, especially at those times you feel you have none. It's about being able to love and allowing yourself to feel loved by others. It's about being self-sufficient, but also recognizing that there will be times that you will have to depend on others and ask for help.

It's about showing all sides of yourself; it's great to be able to show how strong you are, and that you're able to endure things, but to be at peace with the softer side of yourself too, even to develop it more. Which is why my wardrobe's changed a bit, to get clothing that compliment my body, experiment with beauty products like makeup and such...to indulge in some feminine characteristics I never felt I could. Maybe I'll learn to be graceful on top of that.

HA.

If I don't, so what? It's not what defines me; I accept that it's a nice quality to have, and maybe it might help my self-confidence. But if I don't get it, my world won't crumble. I'd rather come more into my own, and feel more secure in my skin BEFORE setting out to get something that may or may not fit into who I am.

And that's my definition of womanhood.