So.
Reading back over the last entry, I can see the anger that I've feel and have felt my whole life in regards to my feelings of not just being a woman, but just being a person. I'll take this time to go deeper, without getting too riled up...hopefully.
Why so angry, black woman?
I easily become infuriated when I think of all the attributes society has created to dictate how a woman should behave; yknow…having grace or being graceful, always be nice, speak when spoken to, act prim and proper, and don’t curse, etc, etc. Basically to me, this all felt too much like a game that wasn’t any fun to play because I can’t pretend to be something that I’m not for the sake of other people. It was apparent to me that these so-called rules were nothing but weapons used to keep women under the heel of macho men. It further incensed me that women bought INTO that line of thought, and programmed it into their daughters from the cradle. So when I've come across this line of thinking, and was told to "be more ladylike/act like a young lady/be a lady", my reply usually fell along the lines of “eat a dick” or “die in a fire.”
I began to think more and more about my childhood experiences, not just the teasing from classmates and so-called friends who saw fit to judge me, put me down, call me names, and talked about me behind my back. I looked to the females in my life who were the ‘role models’, the ones who, through my experiences with them, shaped my way of thinking. I thought long and hard about it, especially after looking through some astrological aspects from a natal chart I did on myself a WHILE back ago.
(Side note: Yes, I am an astrology-geek; not a full-on student, but I’ve done some research and experimenting, enough to recognize the truth revealed to me about myself in my findings).
I read a description of a certain planetary aspect I have known as “Moon conjunct Pluto”. Here’s an excerpt from it that set this in motion:
“It is very possible that you were especially sensitive to your maternal figure's emotions, and picked up on her feelings of being overpowered, overwhelmed, resentful, or mistrustful. A strong love-hate attachment to her, or crises surrounding your experience of her, may be something that you live with and it could be undermining you in some manner.”
“The connection you feel with your mother may be especially strong, and it is quite possible that you felt inundated by her emotional needs in a very powerful way when you were younger.”
Hoo-fucking-RAA.
Now, I'm not the type who will blame others for things and not work on fixing themselves. I'm ALSO aware that I tend to not take the time to address any issues from the past, wanting to just move on and let the past stay in the past. That's a good way to be only once you've PROCESSED all the hurt, made sense of how past events have affected you, and learned lessons from the experience. All things that I tend to NOT do. And if it’s true that the things a girl learns about being a woman come from her mother or whatever maternal figure(s) are in that girl's life...well, here are some things I saw in my mom growing up.
She was strong and had a good work ethic, working one, sometimes two jobs to support me and put me catholic school, and subsequently, my brother, through his schooling until she moved to North Carolina when I was 16. She can be funny and loving at times; whenever I'd do something great for school, or performed with my fellow classmates in our Winter and Spring concerts by song and/or playing instruments, she was always proud of that. She was a fox; as a little girl, I loved to watch her dress up when she'd have a date or go to the club on Friday nights/weekends.
Good things, no? But here are the drawbacks to that stuff:
Yes, she was strong, but she was also oppressive, especially with her punishments. She would hit me where it would hurt the most, and with KNOWING what would hurt me, she would do it all the time. If I were on punishment, not being able to watch television was bad, but she knew I loved to draw, so she'd either lock up or throw away my art supplies. She was pretty uncompromising; it was no big thing for her to give out ultimatums, asserting her authority over me with an 'iron' fist. I noticed that more growing up from an older teen to adulthood. That and no matter what, she always has to have the last word, and apologizing is pretty hard for her. While she was proud of my accomplishments in school with music and art, she was quite demanding and made it known where she wanted me to go in terms of my life choices. I lost interest in music and wanted to continue drawing; she was vehemently against it, always reminding me of starving artists, keeping in my mind that the road to being an artist would be too hard. And to this day, my mother continues with be dependent on those closest to her when she needs help financially.
The other 'maternal' figure I had was my grandmother, who looked after me after my mother moved to North Carolina. More old school than my mom, she too, was overbearing at times in asserting her authority, especially the older I got. She criticized and questioned me about everything that I was interested in: going to the arcade, having mostly guy friends, me not giving a damn about going to church...it seemed as though she had a problem with everything about me. So preoccupied with how the world would perceive me and worried, her worries often came very harsh; she would just say things, no matter how hurtful it would sound, sometimes apologizing later, but most times, not.
Add all of these things together, and you get a person feeling at odds between what people feel she should be and what she feels in her heart she should be. Always the outcast, never accepted fully by anyone, not even her own family, where it MATTERED the most. All my life, I've felt like I've had to defend myself for not wanting to be what others think I should be, for wanting to follow my own drumbeat.
Hmm. Funny. I really don't have a conclusion for this entry.
I just feel drained.
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