What being a woman is to Me

"I want you to do the same thing I did here. Explore yourself. What does being a woman mean to you?"

This was an 'assignment' given to me by a very close friend of mine. She recently blogged her definition of womanhood, and has come into her own at the age of 26, secure that she is, indeed a woman. Reading it just made me wonder about my OWN definition of womanhood. I've never thought about what it is to be a woman as much as what it means to be a PERSON.

What do I mean by this? To be a PERSON is to just be seen as WHO you are, and not WHAT you are. To not be discriminated against because of your race, status, and more times than NOT, your SEX. To me, society's general definition of being a woman is to be subservient, dependent, weak, frail...basically lacking strength and a backbone.

This point of view was a contrast to what I saw being raised by my mom. Until my mother moved away when I was 16, I saw her strength in raising me by herself, struggle with keeping me in catholic school by working long hours or even working two jobs to make sure my tuition was paid. From her, I got the sense of having to be able to be strong, to endure every and anything that life throws at you, and, being working class, most times life threw hard times.

The only disadvantage in seeing such strength all the time was that I became emotionally detached from family; there was no balance of strength with compassion, caring, and compromise. There was really an air of ruling with fear and an iron fist. I didn't feel that I could express myself emotionally to anyone, and so, walls were created to keep feelings and emotions inside, only spilling out when I felt slighted or hurt. I hated myself for that, and for how easily it was to rile my emotions, being that everything was always at the surface. All these damn emotions, and on top of that, according to the general opinion, I'm SUPPOSED TO function this way, because I'm a WOMAN? FUCK. THAT.

On top of all of this, as a kid, I was teased and gossiped about, and the main perpetrators were female. I hated them and hated what they embodied, and only found peace of mind when I gave in to my tomboyish ways and did more things 'associated' with male behavior. But I also resented male's views on what makes a woman attractive their eyes, most of the views being superficial, only caring about how a woman looks and having her second to him.

So having all these things in my face, telling me what being a woman should encompass, why should I be any or all of these things? To me, being a woman isn't only about how I look, its how I live my life. I decide what makes me a woman and what doesn't..besides from the obvious anatomical reasons. I've never had any compassionate, feeling feminine influences in my life, so I never gained knowledge about grace, poise, or any of that stuff. The thing is though, men and women are capable of having grace and whatnot, so why should it just be restricted being defined as just a feminine quality?

I acknowledge that I exhibit more qualities that are classified as being 'masculine; I've always been that way(hello, tomboy?). And I'm fine with that, and only run into conflicts when others judge or wag their fingers in my face, wanting me to act more like a 'lady'. The bottom line is, I'm gonna be what I FEEL I should be. Lately, I've been trying to balance out the 'masculine' with the 'feminine'. I seesaw from time to time, and you know what? That's okay too. Civilization wasn't created in one day or seven days, it was a process, ever evolving. And so am I. I'm constantly learning new things, experimenting, and seeing what feels true to me, and what doesn't.

Being a woman isn't about knowing how to cook or raise children. It's not about expecting people to always provide for you and take care of you. Being a woman isn't even about your wardrobe, or how much makeup you put on your face. It's about loving and accepting yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally, accepting all your weaknesses as well as your strengths, working on said weaknesses to better yourself.

It's about having courage and strength, especially at those times you feel you have none. It's about being able to love and allowing yourself to feel loved by others. It's about being self-sufficient, but also recognizing that there will be times that you will have to depend on others and ask for help.

It's about showing all sides of yourself; it's great to be able to show how strong you are, and that you're able to endure things, but to be at peace with the softer side of yourself too, even to develop it more. Which is why my wardrobe's changed a bit, to get clothing that compliment my body, experiment with beauty products like makeup and such...to indulge in some feminine characteristics I never felt I could. Maybe I'll learn to be graceful on top of that.

HA.

If I don't, so what? It's not what defines me; I accept that it's a nice quality to have, and maybe it might help my self-confidence. But if I don't get it, my world won't crumble. I'd rather come more into my own, and feel more secure in my skin BEFORE setting out to get something that may or may not fit into who I am.

And that's my definition of womanhood.