Let it Go, Part 2: Where's the worth?

I've had esteem and self worth issues my whole life.

I really don't know how to find love within myself. Is it just to accept what I am?

It's hard. I find it way too easy to find things that I don't like about myself than things I DO like.

To me, things that one would like about themselves are things that one should do in life anyway: be loving, respectful, a good friend/family member/employee, etc, etc. It's too easy for me to see the bad in the so-called good qualities I have. It doesn't help that until recently, I've been around people who've only reminded of the bad things instead of the good things about me.

Being feisty, spirited, that sort of thing....not alot of people can deal with it, and such I feel like I have to douse or mute myself in order to make them feel comfortable, while they can be themselves and everyone likes them. So....what's so bad about me that I can't be myself?

That's what it comes down to. It's a great thing when I'm around people with whom I can be myself. I mean, MYSELF: strengths, weaknesses, everything. But when you show other sides, and people don't like them, their words can hurt so much, and though I work hard to become more thick-skinned, I'm not really. My feelings and ego can get hurt quite easily, my emotions can get riled up pretty fast. That's one thing I REALLY DISLIKE about myself. I HATE that it's so easy for others to hurt me.

*sigh* *trying NOT to babble*

Back to self-worth.

I know I'm very critical of myself, from what I wear to what I eat, where my life is going, to how I relate or don't relate to other people....to the mistakes I've made and not forgiving myself for them. I guess that while it's good to work on myself, I do have to realize that there are some things that will either take longer to change, or they just won't change. And to realize that's OKAY. Maybe I should just work to love myself as I AM first before I make any changes. Also, I have to remember that those who only focused on what THEY felt was wrong with me aren't in my life right now, so I need to start reconciling with myself. I feel like there's so much that has to be unlocked inside of me, but I HAVE to LOVE MYSELF fully FIRST to unlock them.

My good friend told me that she wanted me to find things about myself that I liked. I really should do that. Each day I'm going to find something within me that I like and explain why.

What are you waiting for?! JUST LET IT GO!! Part One

Remember when Samwise said that to Frodo in Return of the King?

When he was yelling to Frodo to cast that cursed ring into the fire?

"What are you waiting for? Just LET IT GO!!"

After all the pain, suffering, and heartbreak that bearing the ring put onto him, Frodo just couldn't let it go. That's how it feels when you're trying to break free from your hurtful past completely, but somehow, seeing one thing or seeing that there are still connections that tug at old wounds and feelings, that it brings you back to square one.

So...what am I doing wrong? Why do I keep hitting the same wall?

It's definitely the connection that I seem to still have to the past; even though I don't see the person, she's on my Facebook. And some recent news has caused me to not be around her anymore. I'm facing and trying to heal up wounds that I held at bay for, like, 4-5 years? Just knowing who she's with hurts. Everything feels so raw, even after all this time. Right now, I'm going through this period that things that aren't working are really making their presence known, and I have to DO something about it. But I don't want this to be some quick fix. How I deal with this will basically determine whether or not I can continue to carve out my own path, no longer weighted down by the past.

In other words, it's TIME TO LET GO. And it seems like it's not just the weight of leftover feelings, but my inability to forgive myself for my mistakes, my inability to forgive myself for not being brave enough to just let that man go when I should have. My gut knew that it was over whether I understood the reason(s) why or not, but, feeling that I would never love another so deeply, and that I was the happiest I ever was at that time, I didn't want that to end. I didn't want it to be over. And, because of that, I suffered. I made others suffer. And I've hated myself for it all.

When I think I'm past it, I'm not. When I feel like I'm better than I was, I find that I'm just as scared and weak now as I was before. When I hear talks of exes and breakups, the entire experience of loving and heartbreak just rush back to me, and it overwhelms me. Every time I let myself experience it and process it, and I feel that I'm over it, it just comes back. And I'm tired of it. So tired of it all. I'm such an emotional creature. I can't lock it away, because it will just fester. I can't act like it doesn't affect me, because deep inside, I'm mush; I don't have a thick skin. I try to, because I have to live, endure, and press on, but...

I want to forgive myself, and I want to believe that I deserve to be happy. I have two people in my life, and they mean so much to me, but until I forgive myself and just BREAK AWAY, I can't make them happy fully. I can't be fully happy myself. These are the times I wish I lived closer to them. I've burdened them with this enough as it is, and I wish I could ask them for help. But I think I'd make them feel that they're not enough or that I'm not happy with them, when I am. The past is just that when I'm with them.

It's almost 12:30, and I'm tired as hell. To be continued, either during lunch or when I get off work later.