What are you waiting for?! JUST LET IT GO!! Part One

Remember when Samwise said that to Frodo in Return of the King?

When he was yelling to Frodo to cast that cursed ring into the fire?

"What are you waiting for? Just LET IT GO!!"

After all the pain, suffering, and heartbreak that bearing the ring put onto him, Frodo just couldn't let it go. That's how it feels when you're trying to break free from your hurtful past completely, but somehow, seeing one thing or seeing that there are still connections that tug at old wounds and feelings, that it brings you back to square one.

So...what am I doing wrong? Why do I keep hitting the same wall?

It's definitely the connection that I seem to still have to the past; even though I don't see the person, she's on my Facebook. And some recent news has caused me to not be around her anymore. I'm facing and trying to heal up wounds that I held at bay for, like, 4-5 years? Just knowing who she's with hurts. Everything feels so raw, even after all this time. Right now, I'm going through this period that things that aren't working are really making their presence known, and I have to DO something about it. But I don't want this to be some quick fix. How I deal with this will basically determine whether or not I can continue to carve out my own path, no longer weighted down by the past.

In other words, it's TIME TO LET GO. And it seems like it's not just the weight of leftover feelings, but my inability to forgive myself for my mistakes, my inability to forgive myself for not being brave enough to just let that man go when I should have. My gut knew that it was over whether I understood the reason(s) why or not, but, feeling that I would never love another so deeply, and that I was the happiest I ever was at that time, I didn't want that to end. I didn't want it to be over. And, because of that, I suffered. I made others suffer. And I've hated myself for it all.

When I think I'm past it, I'm not. When I feel like I'm better than I was, I find that I'm just as scared and weak now as I was before. When I hear talks of exes and breakups, the entire experience of loving and heartbreak just rush back to me, and it overwhelms me. Every time I let myself experience it and process it, and I feel that I'm over it, it just comes back. And I'm tired of it. So tired of it all. I'm such an emotional creature. I can't lock it away, because it will just fester. I can't act like it doesn't affect me, because deep inside, I'm mush; I don't have a thick skin. I try to, because I have to live, endure, and press on, but...

I want to forgive myself, and I want to believe that I deserve to be happy. I have two people in my life, and they mean so much to me, but until I forgive myself and just BREAK AWAY, I can't make them happy fully. I can't be fully happy myself. These are the times I wish I lived closer to them. I've burdened them with this enough as it is, and I wish I could ask them for help. But I think I'd make them feel that they're not enough or that I'm not happy with them, when I am. The past is just that when I'm with them.

It's almost 12:30, and I'm tired as hell. To be continued, either during lunch or when I get off work later.