I have found a strange yet renewed resolve during this little trial of mine. I've been awash in a whirlpool of depression and loneliness from missing my couple. I'd been on such an emotional high since Valentine's Day, sending them small tokens of my affections via pictures and videos, and I guess I had to pay all that back to the emotional bank. That's the thing with LDRs....dealing with the distance between you and the one or ones you love. And for someone who is quite tactile with their affections, and for whom earthly pleasures go hand in hand with love, our Skype convos started taking a slight toll on me. I missed them. I MISS them. At times, the longing became so heavy that I'd cry. All made even worse because I decided to try to get my cycle regular by taking a low dose birth-control pill by the name of Loestrin24, as prescribed by my gyno. Oh. my. god. The side effects were WAY TOO MUCH to bear.
Now, into the week of Valentine's Day, after that day or a couple days into that week, I started going through some emotional burnout, which ended up becoming WORSE in the next week I started taking Loestrin. Christ on a stick, the MOOD SWINGS. I mean, I was going through some slight burn out that suddenly turned into a mental funk/depression. I was tired, even when I'd gotten enough rest; my days would either start off bad and maybe end up good, or start off good, but end up with me fighting back tears at my desk so that my co-workers wouldn't notice. Needless to say I threw that damn pack of pills out. But through this, I went through a bit of depression, longing, loneliness, and doubts.
During a convo I was having with the Mr, though I'm guessing it was meant in jest, he said a particular comment that hit me so hard, and made me question whether I was able to express love, or even EMOTE love and affection for ANYONE AT ALL. And it was just CRAZY to me, because, for a while, I felt that I was improving on showing affections and showing my love. But obviously I need work, because when he expressed love, I didn't know how to respond back; I just...FROZE up. So, to feel that I wasn't improving at all just knocked me off my pedestal. And then, just like whenever I go through any emotional tempest, all the self-loathing and self-hating things I could think and feel about myself were swimming around within me. My fire was completely doused(in reaction to the Mars Retrograde and YES, I'm an astro-nerd!), I didn't want to deal with anything and anyone; I didn't want to go to work and deal with co-workers. I just wanted my life to just stop so I could stop man this latest emotional storm and get a handle over things. I think I've had a breakthrough, thank god, and it happened the moment I threw that damn hormone pack in the trash!
Ahhh. Now that I'm thinking a little more clearly, I can go on with this entry. The real purpose is that I know I'm going through the motions of being in an LDR. Part of me looks at them, and I do know that what they have took a lot of work and a lot of time, and I know that they care....what is it with me, that I still feel...unsated, I guess? I think its because I see that they're the love of each other's lives; that applies to the both of them. That's the bond that THEY have with each other. It's the bond that I'D like to have, but is it possible with them? Is it right, or SANE, to even ASK for that? I've had countless fantasies and dreams of living in closer distance and being with them for a long time, maybe even helping them start a family when they're ready. Is it smart to dream about and want these things with them?
While it's smart to think about these things, I ALSO have to remember that the time apart needs to be spent on working on myself and improving my station in life. This is what I worried about the most while I was single. When I was involved with anyone, I was totally committed, to the point of focusing more on the partner than myself. I would just give and give and give until I burned myself out, and I didn't want to make that same mistake this time. But I don't want to be on the other extreme either, that I'd go to the uber-independent mode and be more detached than necessary. Its a constant test of balance between my two natures.
Ugh, it's after 12:30. Will finish this later. Need sleep.
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