In Sickness and in Health

I think I'm somewhat depressed, because I'm in a real mental funk right now.
This seems to happen after I experience something bad for the first time, or when I'm stressed out before taking a vacation.

In this particular case, I've just spent the past two weeks dealing with a gastric illness that gave me some bad acid reflux. Because of it, I've had two hospital trips, been freaked about my health, dehydrated and left with little to no appetite because of the reflux, was out from work for 3 days until I saw a doctor that put me on some meds.

Meanwhile, through all that, I've had to deal with hyperventilation, anxiety, and fears about not getting better, not being able to be active and work out again, and of not being able to eat. This sickness just consumed me and took all my fire away, leaving me scattered to the four winds with no idea how to gather myself back again, but knowing that I had to. I was a mess, physically, mentally, and emotionally. There were times I was so drained physically, it made me feel like a shell of a person, and I just wanted the torment to be over, and to believe that I'd make it though somehow. The length of time it took to get a handle on what was going on had me up and down emotionally.

Now, physically, I'm building myself back up again. Even with my fears of not being 100% and overexerting myself, I'm back in the gym, just using light weights so I can work my way back to building. I've been eating a bit more, enough that I actually have energy to deal with work, though at times, I do feel that I could use more. A lot more. I just want to implement the changes I was so happy and excited to start two weeks prior.

I want to not be afraid of hurting/messing myself up more. I don't want to feel anymore paralyzing anxiety, to the point where it gets hard to breathe, and I feel lightheaded and fuzzy. I want to be able to sleep peacefully without worrying about my lungs giving out. I want to fall back in love with food again. Not to the point where I will eat recklessly and get sick again, but just to crave for it. To not let fear rule my decisions on what I eat. TO actually FEEL hungry( I guess that goes along the line of CRAVINGS, so yea! LOL).

Would you believe this was all over my eating a Sausage-Egg Biscuit from McDonald's?

Fuckin' bullshit, right?

But yes. So many pieces to pick up that I don't always know where to start. My health, of course. Just need to get rid of health jitters that have been put in me and exacerbated by family being way too worried. Not that I didn't appreciate their concern. I do. I needed them there. But...what you TELL someone while they're in the position I was in can really help things along or build a bigger box of fear you have to break down. And I already had enough fear and doubt swirling inside of me like a tempest, which to this day, at the time of me writing this, is proving to be a challenge to just let go of.

I do want to thank my family for praying for me, especially a big thanks to my grandmother for fixing me food so that my stomach wouldn't cause me pain and I could actually function, for coming with me to the doctor, and basically taking care of me mentally at times, consoling me when I'd cry from sadness and feeling hopeless, and for helping to calm me down from anxiety attacks. And thanks to my couple for all their words of encouragement and putting up with me through this, and for continually telling me to go back to the gym. I know that I have to pick up the pieces somewhere and working out is a good place to start, and it helps to get my mind off of my health concerns, if only for a little while.