Sunday, September 5, 2010

More Logic, Less Emotion

Well, the short vacation from the long vacation is turning out differently than everyone had planned and/or thought.

For starters, my menstrual decided to show itself on the day of my departure. Yes, that's right....the time when I get to finally see my partners and be intimate after, oh four months, and wowzers, it just HAD to come on Thursday....

Naturally, that put a damper on all our spirits. Then, en route to come get me from Buffalo Airport, my partners get rear-ended by some asshole who was trying to cut in front of them I believe. They're both okay, but sustained some annoying injuries that will take a bit to see relief from. So between that, making sure insurance would pay for the grave damage done to their car, getting a rental, and having to go to the ER for x-rays but not receiving them because of some asshole doctor....not exactly the Labour Day getaway we all had in mind.

I'm torn all over the place, because I go through the motions when things don't go as planned, and what was planned beyond the fucking was some well needed cuddle-and-heal Jazzy time, which, of course, in light of everything that's happened would be selfish and stupid to expect and ask for. They need support more than I do now, but I don't know how to give it. I feel that my stupid affections do nothing. They tend to lick their wounds better than I do. Just a great thing of being together for so long, I know. And all that happens is I stay inside my head and keep my emotions behind a wall.

*sigh*

Sometimes I wish I was into more of the things they're into so I wouldn't be so silent and inside myself all the time. I wish my goddamned period didn't come so we could've had all the closeness, holding, and fucking. YES, I SAID IT, FUCKING!!


Okay. I've got that out of my system now. And the Mister and I talked about it, so I guess we're square for the time being. He apologized for this weekend turning out the way it did. We talked, but the question still nags me: What I can really do in this instance, besides watch them sort of stew in all the stress, anger, and uncertainty? To just be like, "oh, everything will be okay" just wouldn't cut it, and would make me sound like the douchenozzle doctors at the ER who didn't even send them on their way with meds for their pain.

So, yea....with the couple licking their wounds together, what can I really do, besides "be a spectator"? I was really looking forward to NOT being in my own head this time around, but here I am, doing it yet again because there's nothing much I can do (i.e., I feel helpless and unable to contribute ANYTHING when they NEED me to. Or do they REALLY need me to? I'm stumped mentally. And opposed to acting like some spoiled, needy brat, screaming, "I'm here! Let's be close and heal! Love me! Include me, I'm your lover and I'm here for you!!", being in my head to keep all that crap at bay seems like the smarter option.)


Fuck.

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