Man, dealing with feelings about people is so hard at times. They're most likely out of your reach when you wish you could be near them the most. What's most hurtful is that you already know that you and this person would not be together for long, that in some way you wouldn't be enough to fulfill this person's needs and that things in the long run are better as they are, but...yet you still wish to see that person, be near them, to touch them, to hold them close to you....
But you can't tell them you feel this way. Remember that. This is your secret burden, yours and yours ALONE. This person means too much for you to just throw it all away with some stupid words. And even if you did come clean, what would it solve? What would it accomplish? Would anything change? Maybe something would....you'd lose that person. That would hurt more than what you're feeling now. It's like you set yourself up for this every single time; why do you always end up wanting something you can't and weren't meant to have? It just seems that finding someone is not supposed to be on your agenda, no matter how much you wish it could be at times. Maybe the day will come when you can let your guard down, but now isn't it.
Yea, I guess I'm what you'd call a serial crusher; a person who ends up developing feelings for some people when I know it's a STUPID fucking move, and feelings will NOT get reciprocated. I guess I just see things in people that I wish I could be; there's always something about the person that makes me feel a certain way. Like I guess I can see the possibility of goodness in alot of people if I care about'em. But man, it's a fucking drag being like this. You're just stuck wondering why you feel a certain way about a person, and next thing you know, it just becomes a way of life. You're just so used to not getting who you want. You just continue to attract more of the same because you've had so much bad luck with relationships, you really believe that there's nothing really worth pursuing after a while. So you just give up really. You build up walls, and it becomes hard to allow people through them, no matter how much you WANT to show them who you really are. But not everyone fits, or in my case, you only fit with them for a very limited time until they decide they're done with you and move on.
Man, it seems I have alot of relationships phobias lol. I'd like to work through them, but I'm just so used to enduring and keeping my guard up that I feel like I'm letting certain joys of life pass me by. The thing is that I've thought this shit over numerous times, went over all the possible outcomes. The truth is, I can't deal with the fact that maybe if I can actually love another person that outta nowhere his feelings could change. if that's the case, it's like, what's the use of giving parts of yourself to someone to just have them discard it later?
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