Kinda a Bad Day....

For the past few days, I've noticed how my energy is, whether I'm on the way to work or at work. It's a very nervous or anxious type of energy, always ready to go-go-go I guess, but lately, it's really starting to bother me. I'm used to being able to handle certain amounts of stress, whether it's from work, rushing, or even working out. Yet, now, when I'm sitting at my desk and I'm not even THINKING about something that would MAKE me nervous, my body gets nervous.

For no reason.

It's at the point where I have to stop what I'm doing and ask myself softly: WHY AM I NERVOUS? After which, I get a sense of calm, and I'm able to get back to work.

I'm still having problems dealing with stress. When that happens, I feel the effects physically. When I feel the effects, I have doubts about my health and I question my ability to handle this and get all the way back to business, which only begets more negative thinking, taking me back to that horrible place when I was sick in August.

When I doubt what I can do with my body, I don't work out to my full capacity and/or it takes the drive out of me. I've dug too deep to create the resolve of getting healthier again to let this stop me, but some days, the weight of it all is hard. Some days, I'm able to keep focused on the positive and in my workout, while other days, when I become aware of the stress.....just puts a slight damper on my mood.

I know that once I have that concrete sense of self again, these feelings will pass. I just have to feel the things I feel and still press on, through the fear, through all of it. I have to rebuild that belief I had that I could handle anything that comes. I AM rebuilding it. Just running into roadblocks along the way...

Time to kill the ANTs!!

This is just a short blurb.

If you haven't read this book, "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life", by Daniel G. Amen, M.D., you should. I bought this book to help me get a hold over my recent bouts with anxiety, but it's helping with that and so much more.

I'm only up to page 65, and I'm re-examining so much about myself, all the negative things my mind would automatically tell me and I never thought to question them....until now.

Now, I dedicate each day to fight my mind's automatic negative thoughts....also known as ANTs. I'm going to become an ANT killer!

And I will dedicate each day to loving myself a bit more. That means believing in myself. Believing I am a good person, worthy to be loved by others. That means taking care of my body with working out and molding my body into what I want it to be, becoming stronger, fit, and healthier.

More Logic, Less Emotion

Well, the short vacation from the long vacation is turning out differently than everyone had planned and/or thought.

For starters, my menstrual decided to show itself on the day of my departure. Yes, that's right....the time when I get to finally see my partners and be intimate after, oh four months, and wowzers, it just HAD to come on Thursday....

Naturally, that put a damper on all our spirits. Then, en route to come get me from Buffalo Airport, my partners get rear-ended by some asshole who was trying to cut in front of them I believe. They're both okay, but sustained some annoying injuries that will take a bit to see relief from. So between that, making sure insurance would pay for the grave damage done to their car, getting a rental, and having to go to the ER for x-rays but not receiving them because of some asshole doctor....not exactly the Labour Day getaway we all had in mind.

I'm torn all over the place, because I go through the motions when things don't go as planned, and what was planned beyond the fucking was some well needed cuddle-and-heal Jazzy time, which, of course, in light of everything that's happened would be selfish and stupid to expect and ask for. They need support more than I do now, but I don't know how to give it. I feel that my stupid affections do nothing. They tend to lick their wounds better than I do. Just a great thing of being together for so long, I know. And all that happens is I stay inside my head and keep my emotions behind a wall.

*sigh*

Sometimes I wish I was into more of the things they're into so I wouldn't be so silent and inside myself all the time. I wish my goddamned period didn't come so we could've had all the closeness, holding, and fucking. YES, I SAID IT, FUCKING!!


Okay. I've got that out of my system now. And the Mister and I talked about it, so I guess we're square for the time being. He apologized for this weekend turning out the way it did. We talked, but the question still nags me: What I can really do in this instance, besides watch them sort of stew in all the stress, anger, and uncertainty? To just be like, "oh, everything will be okay" just wouldn't cut it, and would make me sound like the douchenozzle doctors at the ER who didn't even send them on their way with meds for their pain.

So, yea....with the couple licking their wounds together, what can I really do, besides "be a spectator"? I was really looking forward to NOT being in my own head this time around, but here I am, doing it yet again because there's nothing much I can do (i.e., I feel helpless and unable to contribute ANYTHING when they NEED me to. Or do they REALLY need me to? I'm stumped mentally. And opposed to acting like some spoiled, needy brat, screaming, "I'm here! Let's be close and heal! Love me! Include me, I'm your lover and I'm here for you!!", being in my head to keep all that crap at bay seems like the smarter option.)


Fuck.