Serial Crushing on People...and why it SUCKS

Man, dealing with feelings about people is so hard at times. They're most likely out of your reach when you wish you could be near them the most. What's most hurtful is that you already know that you and this person would not be together for long, that in some way you wouldn't be enough to fulfill this person's needs and that things in the long run are better as they are, but...yet you still wish to see that person, be near them, to touch them, to hold them close to you....

But you can't tell them you feel this way. Remember that. This is your secret burden, yours and yours ALONE. This person means too much for you to just throw it all away with some stupid words. And even if you did come clean, what would it solve? What would it accomplish? Would anything change? Maybe something would....you'd lose that person. That would hurt more than what you're feeling now. It's like you set yourself up for this every single time; why do you always end up wanting something you can't and weren't meant to have? It just seems that finding someone is not supposed to be on your agenda, no matter how much you wish it could be at times. Maybe the day will come when you can let your guard down, but now isn't it.

Yea, I guess I'm what you'd call a serial crusher; a person who ends up developing feelings for some people when I know it's a STUPID fucking move, and feelings will NOT get reciprocated. I guess I just see things in people that I wish I could be; there's always something about the person that makes me feel a certain way. Like I guess I can see the possibility of goodness in alot of people if I care about'em. But man, it's a fucking drag being like this. You're just stuck wondering why you feel a certain way about a person, and next thing you know, it just becomes a way of life. You're just so used to not getting who you want. You just continue to attract more of the same because you've had so much bad luck with relationships, you really believe that there's nothing really worth pursuing after a while. So you just give up really. You build up walls, and it becomes hard to allow people through them, no matter how much you WANT to show them who you really are. But not everyone fits, or in my case, you only fit with them for a very limited time until they decide they're done with you and move on.

Man, it seems I have alot of relationships phobias lol. I'd like to work through them, but I'm just so used to enduring and keeping my guard up that I feel like I'm letting certain joys of life pass me by. The thing is that I've thought this shit over numerous times, went over all the possible outcomes. The truth is, I can't deal with the fact that maybe if I can actually love another person that outta nowhere his feelings could change. if that's the case, it's like, what's the use of giving parts of yourself to someone to just have them discard it later?

One is the lonliest number I ever knew...

Okay....I think I started tapping into some really deep shit last blog. So I think it's time to get deeper. I'm sure people feel alone, but no one can really feel as alone as I feel. I don't even know how to go find people like me; Usually when I meet people, I feel more like I should go through the trouble of being more like THEM than myself. Same thing if I wanted to start dating again; I feel like I'd have to live up to some ideal of what a woman should look like and how she should act instead of just being me. But that's just the surface; why do I feel like I have to keep so much of myself from people? Why is it that people don't think of me as much as I think of them? No one calls me or goes out of their way to chill or make plans with me...I wonder why that is? Why should I put so much emphasis on maintaining ties with people when they really don't need to see me? *sigh* I dunno, maybe I'm thinking too much about it, but like, I've been feeling that way lately. No one really asks me to do stuff with them; no one really includes me in anything, so it just makes me question things, like my role in people's lives. Maybe I really don't have one; maybe it's all just an illusion...like being in love with someone.

Why is that certain people are put in our path to love them, only for that love to be taken away? Maybe nothing is meant to last...not happiness, not companionship, hell, certainly not love. Even while growing up, I wasn't sure that I could even feel love for another person outside of family. Even with family, it seems that I kept everything internal, that I'm not capable of showing affection towards people. Maybe it's because I'm always trying to be careful not to be hurt by people since I can be hurt easily. But in trying to detach from things, I feel...hollow. empty. and worst of all alone.

Hmm.....I wish I could just live while being able to deal with the pain one feels when dealing with people, being in love with people, but...if I could, I think I'd be with someone. Or would I? Most people try to get over pain by rushing into things, thinking that they've healed, but they're wrong. They just use things to bury the hurt deep, do whatever they can to NOT deal with it, because....it doens't go away. It doesn't lessen with time. It just tears at you as time goes by, and you want to believe that maybe one day that person will come back into your life, but you can't think that way because your life will pass you by. So, how do you live? How can you open your heart to another person knowing that most likely it won't last? I guess I just want what seems to be impossible...that is for someone to not get tired of me, to not leave when things get rocky...

TO be continued....

To Know Thyself, Ch. 2

We come into the world alone, and we go out alone as well. The time we psend while we're define who we are. The people we meet and the bonds we forge with them give our lives meaning, just like any other experience we go through in life. But what happens when you feel so disconnected from people...what meaning would there be to your life? How can you go about living when you're so apathetic to those around you, or you feel that no matter how close you'd like to be to them, ultimately, you can't?

This is something I struggle with. I remember having a best friend when I was younger, but I was greatly ridiculed because of it. This is what makes me hate people, pretty much. I didn't think too deep into it until as of late, but I see it so clear; people can be so stupid, cruel, and judgemental(sp), fearful of what they don't understand, insecure because they covet what they see and don't have. All my life someway or another, I have been judged and ridiculed. So because of this, I always feel that I have to be on my guard at all times, to not give people the ammunition they seem to need to hurt me. It's so scary, once you let someone know how much they can hurt you; once they know, they can do it all the time, and most likely they DO. I guess that's why I'm pretty good at putting up walls. The only bad part about this is, that it only puts more weight on how lonely I feel.

I haven't had a best friend for a long time. I have associates, friends, good friends and really good friends, but there's no best friend....the one person I feel that I can totally be free around and not be shunned, ridiculed, and rejected. I wish I could find that person...I mean, I know WHY I can't, and it's the same reason why I don't date...it comes from a need to avoid pain. Simple. To be able to totally be myself with someone, I'd have to make myself more emotionally available to a person, and...I'm deathly AFRAID of doing that. The more you get invested in something emotionally, the more you open yourself up to getting hurt. As with any relationship, the deeper the connection, the deeper the hurt. I feel that I've experienced ENOUGH hurt on that level for a lifetime. I'm sure that sounds illogical, but not all feelings have to make sense all the time.

To know thyself....Ch. One

Contemplate (verb): to consider thoroughly; to think fully or deeply about (s.t.)

I was told by a friend that I should think deeply into who I am...as if I don't for most, if not, all day every day *shrugs*. Well, after a good few days of deep contemplation, this is what I've come up with. I don't think the problem is that I don't know myself; it's that I don't feel comfortable with myself, particualry the bad sides of my personality. I feel as though no matter how hard I try to exorcise them, it doesn't work...maybe because it's something you CAN'T get rid of fully? There has to be a balance; I need that "darkness" as much as I need the "light". So, without further adieu...

I am a fucking EMO!! LOL just kidding, but yes, emotions are a dominant presence in my life. I am guided by how I feel during the day. I am empowered greatly by my emotions; they give me the strentgh to get through the best and worst of times in my life. I would throw myself into each experience in life to allow myself to feel every moment. To me, venturing into something without great feeling attached to it means nothing. But in some areas in my life, particularly my personal life, this type of behavior has caused me a great deal of PAIN. So, in feeling this pain, I've developed a great desire to avoid emotional pain as much as I can, thus I developed barriers. Do that is pretty easy, because knowing how I am, I'm prone to being very defensive, trying to protect myself on a lot of levels. The downside to all of this is that I don't deal with the root of the problems, mainly because I don't want to face them, and face the pain that comes with them. I cut myself from that pain most because I feel that there are things that need my attention more than dealing with the pains of rejection and loneliness. I may bask in the feeling for a moment, but I make it as brief as possible, and while for some hurts this method has helped, there are other hurts that are so deep, they stay with me. They influence me to build even more barriers because of it...like the pain of losing someone you love and losing that bond you thought you had with them. That's the deepest hurt I've ever felt, and STILL feel.

In my quest for self improvement, I've learned so much and continue to learn how much the need to avoid pain influences my life. Hell, it influences EVERYONE'S lives; it's pretty much BIOLOGICAL. It's why I'm hesitant to try new things, to trust new people and/or surroundings, it's why I haven't been in a serious relationship or even on a date for over 2 years. Over the course of these TKT blogs, I'll be able to go deeper within myself, finally air out my fears and where I think I need change, and continue working towards that change.

So, until Chapter 2.....

Main Blog Title...Good Decision?

Hmm the more I think about my main blog title, the more I wonder if it was the right choice of words lmao! But, I do feel that my personal life HAS been in a recession for about, oh, more than 2 years. So, I guess the title DOES fit.

I'll try not to make this just another overly-emo catharsis attempt, but I can't promise that all the time. I can be more of a moody blogger, so if I'm really up, down, or most likely...really, REALLY pissed off about something, it will end up here XD

So, welcome to my random ass blog, and try not to be afraid.