Okay....I think I started tapping into some really deep shit last blog. So I think it's time to get deeper. I'm sure people feel alone, but no one can really feel as alone as I feel. I don't even know how to go find people like me; Usually when I meet people, I feel more like I should go through the trouble of being more like THEM than myself. Same thing if I wanted to start dating again; I feel like I'd have to live up to some ideal of what a woman should look like and how she should act instead of just being me. But that's just the surface; why do I feel like I have to keep so much of myself from people? Why is it that people don't think of me as much as I think of them? No one calls me or goes out of their way to chill or make plans with me...I wonder why that is? Why should I put so much emphasis on maintaining ties with people when they really don't need to see me? *sigh* I dunno, maybe I'm thinking too much about it, but like, I've been feeling that way lately. No one really asks me to do stuff with them; no one really includes me in anything, so it just makes me question things, like my role in people's lives. Maybe I really don't have one; maybe it's all just an illusion...like being in love with someone.
Why is that certain people are put in our path to love them, only for that love to be taken away? Maybe nothing is meant to last...not happiness, not companionship, hell, certainly not love. Even while growing up, I wasn't sure that I could even feel love for another person outside of family. Even with family, it seems that I kept everything internal, that I'm not capable of showing affection towards people. Maybe it's because I'm always trying to be careful not to be hurt by people since I can be hurt easily. But in trying to detach from things, I feel...hollow. empty. and worst of all alone.
Hmm.....I wish I could just live while being able to deal with the pain one feels when dealing with people, being in love with people, but...if I could, I think I'd be with someone. Or would I? Most people try to get over pain by rushing into things, thinking that they've healed, but they're wrong. They just use things to bury the hurt deep, do whatever they can to NOT deal with it, because....it doens't go away. It doesn't lessen with time. It just tears at you as time goes by, and you want to believe that maybe one day that person will come back into your life, but you can't think that way because your life will pass you by. So, how do you live? How can you open your heart to another person knowing that most likely it won't last? I guess I just want what seems to be impossible...that is for someone to not get tired of me, to not leave when things get rocky...
TO be continued....
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