To know thyself....Ch. One

Contemplate (verb): to consider thoroughly; to think fully or deeply about (s.t.)

I was told by a friend that I should think deeply into who I am...as if I don't for most, if not, all day every day *shrugs*. Well, after a good few days of deep contemplation, this is what I've come up with. I don't think the problem is that I don't know myself; it's that I don't feel comfortable with myself, particualry the bad sides of my personality. I feel as though no matter how hard I try to exorcise them, it doesn't work...maybe because it's something you CAN'T get rid of fully? There has to be a balance; I need that "darkness" as much as I need the "light". So, without further adieu...

I am a fucking EMO!! LOL just kidding, but yes, emotions are a dominant presence in my life. I am guided by how I feel during the day. I am empowered greatly by my emotions; they give me the strentgh to get through the best and worst of times in my life. I would throw myself into each experience in life to allow myself to feel every moment. To me, venturing into something without great feeling attached to it means nothing. But in some areas in my life, particularly my personal life, this type of behavior has caused me a great deal of PAIN. So, in feeling this pain, I've developed a great desire to avoid emotional pain as much as I can, thus I developed barriers. Do that is pretty easy, because knowing how I am, I'm prone to being very defensive, trying to protect myself on a lot of levels. The downside to all of this is that I don't deal with the root of the problems, mainly because I don't want to face them, and face the pain that comes with them. I cut myself from that pain most because I feel that there are things that need my attention more than dealing with the pains of rejection and loneliness. I may bask in the feeling for a moment, but I make it as brief as possible, and while for some hurts this method has helped, there are other hurts that are so deep, they stay with me. They influence me to build even more barriers because of it...like the pain of losing someone you love and losing that bond you thought you had with them. That's the deepest hurt I've ever felt, and STILL feel.

In my quest for self improvement, I've learned so much and continue to learn how much the need to avoid pain influences my life. Hell, it influences EVERYONE'S lives; it's pretty much BIOLOGICAL. It's why I'm hesitant to try new things, to trust new people and/or surroundings, it's why I haven't been in a serious relationship or even on a date for over 2 years. Over the course of these TKT blogs, I'll be able to go deeper within myself, finally air out my fears and where I think I need change, and continue working towards that change.

So, until Chapter 2.....