To Know Thyself, Ch. 2

We come into the world alone, and we go out alone as well. The time we psend while we're define who we are. The people we meet and the bonds we forge with them give our lives meaning, just like any other experience we go through in life. But what happens when you feel so disconnected from people...what meaning would there be to your life? How can you go about living when you're so apathetic to those around you, or you feel that no matter how close you'd like to be to them, ultimately, you can't?

This is something I struggle with. I remember having a best friend when I was younger, but I was greatly ridiculed because of it. This is what makes me hate people, pretty much. I didn't think too deep into it until as of late, but I see it so clear; people can be so stupid, cruel, and judgemental(sp), fearful of what they don't understand, insecure because they covet what they see and don't have. All my life someway or another, I have been judged and ridiculed. So because of this, I always feel that I have to be on my guard at all times, to not give people the ammunition they seem to need to hurt me. It's so scary, once you let someone know how much they can hurt you; once they know, they can do it all the time, and most likely they DO. I guess that's why I'm pretty good at putting up walls. The only bad part about this is, that it only puts more weight on how lonely I feel.

I haven't had a best friend for a long time. I have associates, friends, good friends and really good friends, but there's no best friend....the one person I feel that I can totally be free around and not be shunned, ridiculed, and rejected. I wish I could find that person...I mean, I know WHY I can't, and it's the same reason why I don't date...it comes from a need to avoid pain. Simple. To be able to totally be myself with someone, I'd have to make myself more emotionally available to a person, and...I'm deathly AFRAID of doing that. The more you get invested in something emotionally, the more you open yourself up to getting hurt. As with any relationship, the deeper the connection, the deeper the hurt. I feel that I've experienced ENOUGH hurt on that level for a lifetime. I'm sure that sounds illogical, but not all feelings have to make sense all the time.